This article originally appeared on VICE Canada.For straight, cis men, a girl-girl threesome—a.k.a. the FMF—is a quintessential sexual fantasy. But bringing this fantasy into reality can take some effort, so much that the third, when they’re a woman, is often referred to as a “unicorn.”“Everyone wants the party, but nobody likes to plan,” explains Vixen Vu, a cam model who has been unicorning since she became sexually active.
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Though threesomes like these are often seen as a man’s fantasy, they can just as much be a safe space for queer women to explore their sexuality. “I started having threesomes with cis male and female couples just to dip my foot into the water,” says Suz Ellis, a sex blogger who’s been unicorning for two years.“Unicorn hunters,” or couples who seek a third in the form of a woman, is a controversial term. “It can be a bucket list item for cis straight men and cis straight women as well,” Ellis says, referencing the issue with fetishization of unicorns.So how do you make sure a couple doesn’t treat you as just a fantasy? What about all that potential relationship drama you could inadvertently get involved in? And how do you know who the right couple is in the first place?
How to Choose a Couple
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Vu says not to get too caught up rigidity. Sometimes the vibe can just be right. Being a third when the “couple” is a pair of fuck buddies can be fun, too.“I’ve gone home with a couple from a bar before,” she says. “With open conversation, on the fly works great.”Once you’ve set your sight on a couple, have some questions ready in mind.Vu says she thinks about the following questions: “Are they flirty? Are they experienced? Do they ask what I like? Are they genuinely interested in what gets me off?”“Give each person in the relationship equal opportunity to talk and discuss what they like, what their boundaries are, if they had any expectations or fantasies,” Vu says.Ellis says identifying the couple’s expectations and your role in that dynamic are important. “You can suss out from that if they want to use you as a prop,” she explains.You can also ask if the couple has a wishlist. “Some people have one thing that is really important that they want to do,” Ellis explains. Common ones include: double blowjob, experimental girl-on-girl stuff, or a woman wants to try eating pussy for the first time.Ensuring that you like both people in the couple as individuals, and then them as a couple, can also be prudent to setting up a threesome with a good dynamic all around.And, as a unicorn, make sure you talk about your boundaries and sexual health concerns, such as the use of condoms.
Pre-Discussion
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You Don’t Have to Let Them Objectify You
To Host or Not to Host?
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In Action: Navigating Consent, Directed Attention, and Jealousy
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“I think it was a jealousy thing. She really wanted it for sure,” Ellis says. “That’s something I would have expected the opposite of, so I was really shocked.”Eventually, the husband pulled down his pants. Once he came (very quickly), the couple asked Ellis if she wanted to stay over. She declined and went home. This experience, Ellis says, reminded her that men can have jealousy issues too in these scenarios and how important it truly is to understand the vibe of a relationship beforehand.Taking breaks throughout sex to see how everyone is feeling when someone starts to act different or uncomfortable during sex can be helpful.Also important: Having safety measures in your own back pocket in case of awkwardness or performance anxiety. Saying you “want to take a break” and go to the bathroom is an excellent measure.“My worst threesome ever was with this couple that I had an amazing connection with the wife,” Matatas says. “They came over, and I could tell right away he was just kind of reserved.”“He just really wasn’t that into it,” Matatas recalls. “No one had gone down on me, I had gone down on everyone, I hadn’t cum. And after he came, he just kind of rolled over.”Moments like these can cause thoughts about being objectified as a unicorn to crop up. Taking care of yourself in those moments is crucial, Matatas says. “My spiralling thoughts used to go from, Oh, they’re not really that into me—to, Wow, nobody loves me, and I’m never going to find any partners.”
Taking a Break
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“It can kind of draw on our already-existent wounds and insecurities,” she says. “I use a mantra: I’m enough, I have everything I need, and I am beautiful.”While on your bathroom break, Matatas says to scan the situation: “Is this something that I want to end? Or is this something that I want to create something different with?”Matatas says aftercare can be an important part of a threesome experience.She likes “cuddling all together in a big cuddle puddle, having some skin time; talking about what we liked, what we’re going to masturbate to later.”Having water and food after can be a great way to end the experience. “If I’m hosting, I’ll make sure there’s fresh fruit,” she says.“Stop when you want to stop,” Ellis says.If you’ve chosen to go into the couple’s territory, whether that’s their home or a hotel room, you might want to have a plan in mind for your exit, or at least a set time for when you’re leaving.“I’m going to go home,” often works just fine, Matatas says.As far as staying the night with a couple after your encounter, Matatas recommends leaving this up to them to extend an invitation. (Bonus: This could mean morning sex!)Sometimes, after a threesome, one person in the couple may contact you after. Especially if it’s the husband or boyfriend in couple you just slept with, you may want to be on alert as a unicorn. (And, probably don’t reach out to one person in a couple if you’re a unicorn—unless that’s an explicit, agreed-upon part of your dynamic.)
Aftercare
The Escape Plan
Reconnecting in the Aftermath
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“As a third, there are people who contact you without their partner knowing,” Ellis says. “I don’t want to surprise anyone. I want everyone to be involved in this conversation.”Ellis told a woman in a couple she slept with that her partner had messaged her. She sent a screenshot. “She responded and said they’d been having some issues with cheating recently,” Ellis said.“I think often guys think they can continually have both as on-going,” Vu says. If one of the people in the couple contacts you directly, such as in a message on social media, Vu says telling their significant other may be the best option.If you’re contacted by one person in a couple after an encounter and find it to be “off” behavior, Matatas recommends moving the conversation immediately to a group chat. “I’ll just say, ‘It would be great if the three of us could keep in contact.’”“Inviting me into this special bond that you have… sharing this love with you for the night,” is part of threesomes with couples that Ellis says she enjoys. But, that’s not to say that entering into that bond can be without unpredictable drama.Vu recounts a strange situation that happened after she hooked up with a couple:“I found out years later that a couple I had hooked up with, the woman who I was originally friends with told her partner that I didn’t like him after that night. I never brought up the threesome, and we eventually lost touch. I recently ran into the guy again who told me a completely different story: that she told him I wasn’t interested, didn’t like him, and asked that he not contact me. It kind of blew my mind because I literally had no idea there even was drama.”But, as Matatas says, “If there’s going to be drama, it was already there before I got there."Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.