Photo via Flickr user SharonFitPregnancy.com released a list of the hottest hipster baby names of 2014, and it was, as expected, a big, steamy crockpot full of crazy. A baby is a blank canvas with which to project your anxieties about how lame/unsuccessful you are. A child is like a second chance at life, so it's become popular to try to find a nontraditional, weird name in the hope that the kid will grow up to be an Olympic skiier, a baseball player, or Ronnie James Dio. Unfortunately, the odds of failing spectacularly are very, very high.Choosing a bad name for your little bundle of joy could be the difference between your baby going to Yale or sucking exhaust fumes out of your SUV's tailpipe just to "feel something real." I don't care how many dope tricks he can do on a skateboard, if your son's name is Mortimer Von Brompfman, he's not going to amount to more than being really good at vampire role-playing games and fashioning steampunk versions of everyday objects to sell on Etsy.There's no clear definition for what constitutes a "hipster baby name," though I'm pretty sure the FitPregnancy.com list missed the mark by not being weird enough. All the really chill toddlers who take baby DJ classes and were normcore before normcore was "normcore" will just think your kids' parents are fucking mad basic. They'd be right.I've decided to rank the names on the FitPregnancy list from one to ten on a chillness scale to show you where they went wrong, plus offer some way chiller suggestions for the next time you decide to selfishly create another life on a planet that's running out of resources.The Boys"Nico" makes me think of the mysterious German chanteuse, which is weird, since this is supposed to be a boy's name. I guess that's on me. "Murray" evokes hipster icon and drunk maniac Bill Murray. "Orson" is for obese film director Orson Wells. "Lennon" is for writer/actor Thomas Lennon from The State. I had to give "Zane" a 16 out of 10 because who doesn't love Billy Zane? That's right, no one.What this list is missing is a sense of risk. A couple suggestions:
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- Auden (9)
- Byron (9)
- Enoch (1)
- Gulliver (2)
- Ignatius (1)
- Lennon (9)
- Murray (15)
- Nico (7)
- Orson (5)
- Roman (7)
- Salinger (10)
- Zane (16)
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- Damascus
- Anders
- Shamwow
- Brutus
- Festus
- Barnaby
- Hercule
- RoboCop
- Ronnie James Dio
- Briseida (3)
- Farrah (8)
- Inez (8)
- Liora (8)
- Minnie (8)
- Odette (8)
- Pandora (1)
- Romy (8)
- Suzette (8)
- Tessie (8)
- Wren (8)
- Zola (8)
- Badger
- Partition
- Bingo
- DMZ
- Shadowcat
- Papajohns
- Juwanna
- Hillary