Here's a Valentine's Day Playlist for Every Relationship Status Imaginable

Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and for many, it's a day rife with heightened emotion–good, bad, and horny. It can be complicated. The one thing that shouldn't be complicated is finding the perfect tune for the day. Club Angels have compiled a simplified playlist, covering every complex scenario you might find yourself in this February 14.

La Bouche - Be My Lover

If you're well versed in the art of pairing music with fucking, you aren't reading this article for genuine tips. In all likelihood you have a well-curated playlist featuring mostly Drake tracks you love to 'make love' to. If you fuck like a jack hammer and need to keep to a beat, this is fun and romance themed—go nuts!

Daft Punk - Something About Us

You're here for electronic music for Valentine's Day, and I'm going to give it to you, even when it just doesn't really fit. When nothing fits, I turn to Daft Punk. It usually works for any occasion. Put away 'Get Lucky' for the time being (if you get this dinner right, you might just get lucky) and make suggestive eyes at each other over suggestively dimmed lighting to this backhanded love song.

Caribou - Can't Do Without You

You're already comfortable enough being naked around each other or this is a fast first date. Either way. love your work. Bubbles, bubbly and bae. Sorry for saying 'bae'. Dedicate this song to the person or dedicate this song to the mid-range sparkling you bought for the occasion.

Detroit In Effect - R U Married

This song aptly contains all reasonable questions to ask when meeting someone new you may become romantically involved with… but just because it's in a song doesn't mean its going to get good reception when said out loud. Bad reception, like a slap across the face is very likely. Just drink a beer or two to this before you head off to whichever overcrowded rooftop bar you've chosen and remember to pack birth control, okay?

The Chemical Brothers - Swoon

"Just remember, to fall in love, there's nothing else" and there is no mention of that love being directed/unwanted/between humans. Really. So by the logic of this song, love for your dog/cat/iPhone/new sneakers count.

Mssingno - xe2

I remember reading somewhere the lyrics aren't actually about crying while walking through the mall… but I prefer it that way. It's the kind of song I've played on repeat while staring blankly at the wall for an hour or so. I think if that's where you're at in your life, this is the chopped RnB vocal sampled track for you.

Solange - Losing You (Cyril Hahn Remix)

Supermarkets begin to sell Valentine's Day chocolates around September the year before the big day rolls around. If you haven't at the very least bought some love heart shaped Tic Tacs what have you been wasting precious time doing? Too late now, you could turn up to their house with the last bunch of wilted flowers you lucked out on at from 7-Eleven or you could take a dose of Solange wisdom and cut your losses.

Calvin Harris - How Deep Is Your Love

You've heard this song at least a 100 times now. Sure, there might be meaningful lyrics in there somewhere but the only thing that comes to mind when that beat drops is Gigi Hadid climbing out of a pool and Calvin Harris DJing shirtless at this pool party (this bit isn't in the clip but I'm sure it has happened). Mind numbing, Valentine's-appropriate EDM.

Flight Facilities - Crave You

It might happen, it might not. Crushes are tricky territory and I think only two people I have crushed in my entire life have crushed me back so I have nothing but uninspiring anecdotes. If you've taken hot selfies on Instagram and they like what they saw and smashed that like button, or if that chain email worked, then you're in luck. If not (the chain email won't work, I put $50 on it) then imagine walking into a party, looking like a billion dollars, literally dripping in Sovereign Hill gold and cry yourself to sleep because it ain't happening and today's the day you'll be very sad about it.

Adele - Hello (Laibert Remix)

Drink as many UDLs you can and proceed to cry a little and dance a lot to this on repeat until you pass out. You'll wake up and forget what ever happened the night before and that's the best case scenario here isn't it?

Medina - You and I (Deadmau5 Remix)

Progressive house is euphoric, nostalgic and extremely appropriate here. The lyrics are easy "there is no longer you and I" along with some other stuff about not needing a crap person in your life, all with a breakdown. And let me tell you: when the beat drops, all your worries will be set free.

Robin S - Show Me Love

They forgot to take you out for dinner? They got the wrong plush toy? The shoes you wanted were 'out of stock'? Leave them high and dry, go home and take a valium or three and mumble this until you slip into a sweet slumber. Forgive them in the morning and recite some of the lyrics to this jerk, if Robin S can't make them understand, nothing will.

Adele - Hello (Laibert Remix)

'Hello' is depressing and malleable enough to apply to anything vaguely sad in your life. Why not try it here too.

Maceo Plex - Conjure Sex

You're missing your baby, your boo boo, your sugar plum or whatever else you call them (which likely causes friends and family to throw up a little every time you do). After you do your obligatory Skype sex, plug this in, listen to the moaning and pray to god it really does conjure up something coital because you're going to be high and dry tonight. Soz.

Kish Lal is one half of Club Angels. Follow her on Twitter.