Pretty Much Everything That's Ever Happened in a Nightclub Ever Vol.2

Things happen in nightclubs. Here's the second entry in our comprehensive compendium of literally everything that has ever happened in a nightclub ever. You can read the first part again here as a refresher.

1) Someone looks like they're about to be sick.

2) Someone has just been sick.

3) Someone is now stumbling to the bathroom with thick strings of sick running down their shit, their lovely, special shirt they bought especially for tonight that's now covered in luminous vomit, a shirt that now stinks of sticky shame.

4) Someone is now hunched over a toilet bowl, their knees sodden by piss and spilt beer, their fingers grabbing on to the grimly grizzly inner ring of the toilet, head thrown back and forth, spewing spumes of sugar and saturated fats, groaning between expulsions of vomit, wondering where this life went wrong.

5) Someone is stumbling out of the bathroom and heading towards the bar, sick still spattered on that lovely, special shirt they bought especially for tonight, reeking, stinking, honking of puke, but still they head towards the bar and at the bar they order another round of shots and they smile at the barwoman and they choke back one last wave of sick but they're too late and the sick dribbles out of their mouth and it splats onto the bar and they stand there, unsure of what to do or how to react because they've never been sick on a bar before and they turn to leave but they can't, they want to head for the door but there's a very strange vibration piercing them to the core, so they stand there, pretend it's not happened and they pay for the shots and they drink the shots and they hate themselves and want to die.

6) Dean Gaffney is sat behind a faux-velvet rope in the VIP area of a club in Barking. He is sipping prosecco through a straw, sat between two glamour models. He has not said a word in the last 20 minutes. He is lost in thought, endlessly replaying the end of an argument he had with his last serious romantic partner. He is stuck in a vortex of regret and remorse. The prosecco is flattening rapidly. He sucks on his straw joylessly. The glamour models look at their phones. The club owner approaches. beaming. "Hello, mate. Good to have you in here," he says to Dean. "I trust you're enjoying our…hospitality, tonight." Dean forces a smile. "Loving it, mate," he says. "Fucking loving it." To prove how much he's loving it he gets his phone out and tweets "wicked night at @SweetLoaf_Barking top club!! and top girls!". He excuses himself. He does not return.

7) Dean Gaffney is sat behind a faux-velvet rope in the VIP area of a club in Doncaster. He is loving his life. His long term partner is sat beside him, holding his hand, whispering the sweetest of sweet nothings in his ear. He talks amiably to anyone who approaches him. He signs autographs and stands in selfies. He is charm personified. He is Dean Gaffney and, tonight, Doncaster, he's ready to have some fucking fun!

8) Dean Gaffney is sat behind a faux-velvet rope in the VIP area of a club in Great Yarmouth. He's fucked. Absolutely fucked. He's slurring and stumbling. The club owner is furious. "You prick," he says to a half-asleep Dean. "I paid you two hundred quid up front and this is how you fucking repay me?" He slaps Dean on the cheek. Dean wakes with a startle. "Mate, mate, I'm fuckin…" Dean falls off the purple sofa he's sat on. Dean stays there for a long time. Dean's fee is extracted from his wallet.

9) Dean Gaffney is sat behind a faux-velvet rope in the VIP area of a club in Aberystwyth. He does the job he's been paid to do with a minimum of fuss, has a few drinks, and goes to bed at a reasonable hour, happily paying for his own taxi fares.

10) Dean Gaffney is sat behind a faux-velvet rope in the VIP area of a club in Crewe. He's crying. Tears stream down his face. He is inconsolable. A local celebrity — a man famous for drinking a bottle of hot sauce on the local news programme — sits next to Dean, unsure of what to do. Dean is sobbing deeply. He is heaving with sadness. He is a broken man. The hot sauce drinker puts an arm round Dean Gaffney's back and Dean Gaffney accepts this stranger's comfort and care and he begins to stop crying and he looks up to the heavens and he thanks the lord for the life he's been given and he and the hot sauce drinker raise a toast to the lives they have and the lives they love and they walk, hand in hand, to the bucking bronco that takes centre stage in the club and they take it in turns to ride the bucking bronco and they smile and they laugh like old friends. "I'm riding, dad!" Dean says. "I'm really riding!"

11) You're in Ibiza and you've paid €9 for a bottle of a water in a club and, fuck me, €9 for a bottle of water that's a lot of money isn't it, mad, isn't it, how things can sometimes be quite cheap but sometimes really expensive depending on where you buy them, that's fucking mad to be honest, absolutely bananas, mate, I just paid nine euro for a bottle of water! I know, nine fucking euro! Nine! Water! For nine euro! Nine euro for a water. One water. Nine euro. Nine euro for one water. One! Water! Nine! Euro!

12) You're in Ibiza. In a nightclub. In Ibiza. An Ibizan nightclub. You made it, mate. A club in Ibiza. You made it.

13) You're in Ibiza and you are having a piss between Richy Ahmed and Dean Gaffney. What a world, you think to yourself. You glance at both their pensies. What a world.

14) You're in Ibiza and you actually just go to a totally normal night and see Loco Dice DJing but you tell all your mates when you get home that when you were in Ibiza you saw David Guetta arrive in the club on a jetski because they'd built a special canal in the club for him so he could arrive in a jetski and there were big sharks in the canal and it was quite scary but this blonde lass from Nottingham you'd been cracking onto dared you to catch one of the sharks so you caught one of the sharks and she was dead impressed by you catching a shark and she definitely had sex with you and the shark watched.

15) You're in Ibiza and you're wearing shades in the club and you look really fucking cool mate, honestly, you look really, really cool!

16) The DJ hops on the mic and asks the room if "ANYONE IN HERE IS SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED TONIGHT" and then plays "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison.

17) The DJ hops on the mic and asks the room if "ANYONE IN HERE'S EVER BEEN IN [INSERT NAME OF PROVINCIAL TOWN] WHEN IT'S BEEN SHUTDOWN" and plays "Shutdown" by Skepta.

18) The DJ hops on the mic and asks the room if "ANYONE FAILED THEIR A LEVELS TONIGHT" and then plays "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison.

19) The DJ hops on the mic and asks the room if "ANYONE IN HERE'S FEELING RANDY, ARE YOU BABY, SHAGADELIC" and then plays the Austin Powers theme tune.

20) The DJ hops on the mic and asks the room if "ANYONE IN HERE IS EXPERIENCING THE SAME LEVEL OF TOTAL SELF-LOATHING AS I AM? I MEAN REAL SELF-HATRED, LACERATING SELF-FLAGELLATION, LIFE DESTROYING REGRET AND PAIN AND SADNESS?" and then plays "Uptown Funk".

21) You notice Dean Gaffney in the VIP area of the club but do not speak to him.

22) You notice someone from sixth from and spend the entire night trying to make sure they don't notice you. They noticed you the second you walked in the club but decided not to speak to you because why would they, ten years have passed, everything's changed and they never liked you then and they won't like you now and you look like the kind of smug cunt who left home and studied in London and now has opinions on the underground and the best place to get a coffee in "central" and you think that having those opinions make you a better person because living in London is the only thing anyone should aspire to do, you smug fucking boring drab pointless lifeless fucking prick. In the queue for a taxi at the end of the night they catch you dropping a chicken burger on the floor. They laugh at you. In your face. They stand there, nose to nose with you, laughing at you and you, you just take it. You stand there, saying and doing nothing. You never forget this moment. It stays with you until the day you day. It eats you alive.

23) You notice a goth in a nightclub and you think it's really funny that there is a goth in the nightclub and you spend all night talking about the goth in the nightclub because you don't often see goths in nightclubs

24) You notice Dean Gaffney in the VIP area of the club and say hello and he's very friendly and you get a nice photo with him and he gives you a free drink. You spend the rest of your life telling people about the time you met Dean Gaffney.

25) You notice that the whole thing's a fucking sham and that no one, really, deep down, is having any fun. Still, you stick it out. Might get good soon, though, eh?

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