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Music

​These "Star Spangled Banner" Remixes Make Us Wish We Were Deaf or Canadian

America is awesome. These remixes are awful!

When Francis Scott Key penned the lyrics to "The Star Spangled Banner" in 1814, he probably didn't know the ditty would end up performed by everyone from Marvin Gaye to Jimi Hendrix to Roseanne Barr, bad college acapella teams and American Idol rejects alike. That love song to a piece of fabric has become an essential nugget of Americana, even though it's not very good and nobody knows what it's really about.

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All in all, Keys would probably be stoked to know that his poem became America's national anthem. After all, "Dixie" would come off as pretty awkward when sung before a basketball game. Keys probably would not be stoked, though, if he got an earful of what the internet has done to his little ditty.

Check out the most suspect remixes of "The Star Spangled banner" that exist on the internet:

Trap remix #1: Holder's "4th of July Special"

Trap music is a fitting in which to do a cover of the national anthem because the whole genre basically hijacks black culture and mangles it into a gooey, grey paste that's better suited for the caucasian palate. That's an American tradition!

America Has Found Its Own Nickelback.

Tristan Tyrcha & Kurt Hans Guenther's balls-rock/brostep hybrid remix fits in so perfectly with their blazer and cap fashion stylings and off-key rooftop wailing so well that this might be the most 'Murrcan display of patriotism we've ever seen. All we're missing is a bald eagle twerking.

The Circle H's "Remastered" Electronic House remix

The beat on TheCircleH's tune sounds lifted entirely from a Dance Dance Revolution menu screen, and that's the best thing about it. The vocal samples are so garbled that they sound more like Short Circuit (the robot) guiltily self-pleasuring in a tin can than they do anything that'll stir up some patriotism on the dancefloor or before a jr. high field hockey game.

The Tech-not Remix

Uploaded to YouTube by theJoebz, this is billed as a "techno" remix, but sounds more like the intro to Rugrats than it does Loco Dice.

We Wub The Shit Outta You, America

This was just a track made with The Wub Machine, a website that, and we quote, "turns any music into dubstep" in a single click. Now that's American values!

'Ze German Perspective

Hannover-man Droesi's tried to appeal to everyone with the "pop, rock, electronic" direction of this tune. Instead what we get sounds like one of those gift cards that plays music trying to eke out the last chorus of Pet Shop Boys "Go West" before it fries out and gets relegated from above the fireplace to in the fireplace.

The Techn-ish Remix

There's actually nothing patriotic about this one at all. German producer AriesK pasted Anti-American limericks that rhymes "patriotism" with "hate-riotism" while images of nuclear explosions play out in slow motion. Hey, fuck this guy! This is America, dammit!

Trance Will Save Us All

The Hingamo Project's trance remix might be the most competent of the offerings on the internet. It doesn't mean much, but trance will take that win. In a way, the yin and yang combination of anti-depressants and Adderall you need to really enjoy trance is actually the prescribed national breakfast of American youths, so this just might end up being the most patriotic genre around.