Craig Charles DJ’d Funk and Soul So Hard This Christmas He Sweated His Own Face Off
Photo via the Mirror.

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Craig Charles DJ’d Funk and Soul So Hard This Christmas He Sweated His Own Face Off

Craig loves funk and soul, and love isn't always beautiful.

You see that picture? You think that's Craig Charles sweating his own face off, don't you? It's not. It's you.

First things first, this obviously isn't a very flattering photo of Craig. He probably isn't too chuffed that it's on the internet and even less so that I'm writing about it. But the fact is, it's out there now Craig. People are going to see it, and given its near mythical levels of gore and awe it is unlikely it will be ignored. So, instead of pointing and laughing let's understand a little, why don't we? Let's understand why, despite looking like something magnificently alien, Craig Charles sweating his face off is actually, truly, a thing of joy.

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This photo of Craig Charles is taken from one of his multitude of DJ sets over the Christmas period. While you were sleeping, or eating Maltesers, or trying to explain transgender rights to your gran, Craig was tearing up and down the country with a big old bag of funk and soul records, and a white shirt that doesn't really let his skin breathe when he gets hot. While you were sitting in front of the TV literally watching Bee Movie at 1130 AM, Craig was trying desperately to fit more vinyl into his stretched record bag while simultaneously trying to finish his breakfast. While you were eating a Toblerone, Craig was, well, possibly eating a Toblerone, but then he went and DJ'd afterwards and that's the important bit here. Craig loves DJing funk and soul. Craig loves funk and soul.

Craig really loves funk and soul, but it's important to remember that love isn't always beautiful.

Think about sex. When you're having sex with someone, if it's good and you actually like or love the someone, you feel pretty good about yourself. Good sex makes you feel sexy. In the moment, in the heat of the embrace, there are no words for just how beautiful the two of you must look. Limbs spun around one and other like muscular branches, perfect features cut from marble, a lowly dappled evening light painting passing patterns on the arch of your back. That's what you look like, isn't it? Only imagine now that somebody else has walked in and seen you having sex. Do you know what you look like now? A joint of gammon with pubes.

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Yet this dissonance is crucial to finding and freeing the joy in this photo of Craig Charles sweating his actual face off. Despite how he looks there, in the second the picture was taken Craig probably felt like some sort of funkified demi-God, shooting lightning out of his fingers every time he cued a record, a room heaving with worshippers all basking in the warm glow radiating from his very being.

Only, to look at him in that photo, the only warmth radiating from him looks likely to be an actual boiling steam. Less "alright geezer?" and more "are you alright, you look like an actual geyser?" Craig Charles is sweating so much he is in danger of getting trench foot. Craig Charles is sweating so much his decks look like they are doing a spin wash. Craig Charles is sweating so much the patches underneath his armpits are the same size as his head. Which brings us onto his head. The headline story is obviously Craig Charles' face which, as previously discussed, is clearly being gradually lubricated and loosened from the edges of his skull by the unmanageable volumes of sweat that are glazing his entire being. There are then Craig's eyes, both of which are have spun so far back into his own head his currently looking at his own childhood memories. His nose looks like a Dairylea triangle on a hot summer's day. His mouth looks like a cove built into the wave-battered Cornish coastline.

Yet can you call it ugly? Can you really? Well maybe you can. But before you go that far, think about every wonderful night out you've ever had. Full of honest, unbridled joy, bounding around a club, euphoria spilling out of every nerve ending. Somebody whips their phone out, you spin round, throw your arms around your best friends and smile for the camera. That's going to be a keeper, you think. I've got my going out shirt on, I spent longer than usual on my hair, the lights in here look amazing, I nailed my makeup, I'm freshly shaved. Then the next day you see the picture on Facebook and somehow it looks like a toad's mugshot. How? How can something feel so right but look so wrong?

Love isn't always beautiful. It's an important lesson to learn. Craig Charles might look a bit like a melting nodding dog in this picture. He might look a bit like someone has taken the clay Lionel Richie head from the "Hello" video, put it on a pottery wheel and let it free-spin for about 20 minutes, but that's okay. Because in that moment, Craig Charles probably knew pure happiness. We could all benefit from being a little more Craig Charles in this respect. Perhaps, just perhaps, we should forget the unfair standards we set ourselves to look good, eat well, achieve everything and have fun at the same time. Perhaps we should do as Craig does. Just love something and throw both cheeks at it no matter how we end up looking. Craig Charles does that with funk and soul. In fact, he loves funk and soul so much he ended up having to cancel his New Year's set in Bristol after a funk and soul induced fever incapacitated him. Yet Craig Charles also loves funk and soul so much he managed to get himself back to the studio to host his 6Music Radio show all about funk and soul mere days later. Then again, should we be surprised? This is a man who loves funk and soul so much, who DJ's it so hard, he actually sweated his own face off.

A new year, a new feeling. It's probably just bullshit marketing spun to sell gym memberships but the start of another year can genuinely feel like a clean slate. There's a crispness in the cold january air, the new clothes you got for Christmas still look fresh, and despite a few nights heavy drinking you've actually had enough time off work to feel recuperated and refreshed. This is it, you're not going to be the you of the year before, you're going to change. Yet the truth is, despite your best intentions, despite the days and nights of planning you put into exercising more and better using your time, you can lose it all in a second. In a heartbeat the "new you" can be destroyed and replaced by your true self: Craig Charles sweating his actual face off. And that's okay.

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