Here’s Every Type of Photograph You Take When You’re Wasted

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Here’s Every Type of Photograph You Take When You’re Wasted

A comprehensive catalogue of fucked-ography.

This weekend, in the sticky-floored, badly lit basements, crowded living rooms and barren streets of the nation, stark white flashes will be rippling across glazed eyeballs. Snapchat will be chronicling romances, Vine will detail ungodly dance moves, and a million Mojitos will be Instagrammed. As with every corner of our lives, we will be sharing our nights out like open wounds, airing the dirty laundry of our escapades onto the internet like a pissed-up Wikileaks frame by frame, moment by moment.

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In an effort to archive our mistakes, we have compiled what we feel is a comprehensive list of every type of photograph you will take when you are completely off your tits. The snapshots of the best nights and the worst attempts at looking sober. The confusing hinterland where you switch between smiling, pouting, frowning and back to smiling again. The art that is, fucked-ography.

The Group Shot

It's early in the night, and some berk is convinced that drinking stella around an iPod dock is a special enough occasion to merit an uncomfortably staged photograph. If you're with a group of lads this means arms over the shoulders – most people doing their best chiseled grin, a couple opting for a stupid face (lol). If you're all girls probably best to opt for the staple: standing in a line, side on, head tilted, wine glass in hand. Looks completely natural.

The Taxi Driver/Bouncer/Chip-Shop Server Shot

It is a strange phenomenon that when drunk, bouncers, taxi drivers and kebab shop servers become an irrepressibly hilarious novelty, presumably built on the dynamic that you are fucked and they aren't. Prepare yourselves for some crudely staged pointing and hugging of the badly paid and over-worked. Because when you've been working a nine hour shift into the dead of night, a pissed up student paying for their night out with their parent's money is just another perk of the job.

The Mirror Shot

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You only went in for a piss, but when you and your mates caught a glimpse of the glammed-up beacons of gorgeousness that are your faces in the mirror, there was no option but to preserve the sexiness for time immemorial. Only problem is, as good as you think you look, your catwalk is a pissed-stained cavern of cubicles full of vomit, ketamine and a bloke trying to sell aftershave.

The Booth Shot

In the swell of booze and a variety of powders, the music can go to your head. The relatively anonymous figure, obscured by the crowd and a badly built plywood booth is elevated. Despite the selector probably working in Topman during the week, in your head they have become Carl Cox. Time then, to go on an unstoppable photographic spree, snapchatting distorted videos of a song you don't even know the name off.

The Weird Bloke on the Dancefloor Shot

You're in the club, it's popping off. Everybody is dancing, lost in the merry soup of alco-pops and cheap pints. But what's that? There is a 48 year old bloke here? And he's dancing? What a tragic figure. Does he have a family? Why is he on his own? What strange or sad circumstances have led him to a peak-time nightclub on his lonesome in a polyester shirt? Shall we ask him for his story and check he is emotionally sound? Nah, let's take a photo where we all point at him trying to dance to Waze & Odyssey, and then caption it "LEGEND" on Facebook the next day. It's basically how the Weadlestone Ranger makes a living. We're laughing with him, honestly.

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Some things never change, and the prospect of two people kissing each-other is an evergreen concept, especially when you know one of the people involved. What for them has probably been a gradual process of introduction, dancing and flirtation, is frozen in an irremovable online reminder that they stuck their tongue down the throat of somebody they will never speak to again. Note: this sort of photograph, along with y'know, common decency and self-respect, is the exact reason why you should never finger someone/be fingered in a club.

The Up Shot

The pill has kicked in. Your body is rushing with a buoyant tingle from top to bottom. Everything feels fantastic, everybody looks fantastic! The lights are a gorgeous glow. It's a beautiful night full of beautiful people. Your friends aren't just friends, they are family. No, they are forces of energy. You are all orbs of wonderful energy cohabiting a shared space. That is until you look at the photos and realise you actually looked like a dead bird's skeleton wearing an American Apparel hoodie.

The Vom Shot

"He's being sick."
"Should we help him?"
"Yeah, in just…a…second."

The Traffic Equipment Shot

You've used up all your money on cheesy chips and buying a straight from someone outside a petrol station. Now you are forced to accept that the only way you are getting back is to walk. But fear not, the city is an urban jungle-gym, full of strange metal poles and weird symbols. Look, there's even a traffic cone! Put it on your head! Pretend it's your dick! Climb a lamp-post! Kick a bollard! Photograph it all!

The Glory Shot

You've spent two thirds of your money for the month in one night. You've pissed at least 18 different people off. You've lost your keys, ruined your trainers, and there is a weird pain in your chest. But at least you're home in time to watch the sun come up, before probably throwing up again.

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