The National Trust Are Trying to Recreate A Night Out in Ibiza at a Stately Home in Norfolk

Let's not beat around the bush here: local news is the best kind of news. Sure, it's important to have a grasp on the wider societal and moral issues of the day, to have a stance on Syria and junior doctors and the Westminster paedophile ring, but deep down, when we admit it, most of us live very local lives with very local concerns. Tulse Hill or Truro, Wootton Fitzpaine or Woking, the point remains: the micro is always more manageable than the macro, and that's no different when it comes to consuming the news.

Scouring local news sites is one of the few pleasures of the internet that's been left (relatively) unsullied. Of course, more and more sites, and their sister papers, out in the realm of the physical, are being squeezed into a kind of rote homogeneity, which means more and more of them share the same dull fucking content that's pissed all over the web by the armies of generator's, slaving away in windowless workshops while their overlords bark SEO commands at them. The same thing happened to local radio, too: the big companies brought out the independents and now we're all listening to local weather beamed out of a central control tower that's got absolutely no knowledge of the nuances of regional dialect. This is our life now.

Still, even given that, local news outlets have the power to surprise. Just today, during my morning trawl of North Norfolk News, I've seen the following headlines:

"North Walsham has been inspired by America in a bid to solve its dog fouling problem"

"Fate of dead whale at Sheringham to be re-assessed this morning"

"Sea Palling homeowners are angry about path"

Beat that Guardian! Fuck off MailOnline! No one looks at you anyway Daily Express! That's real journalism right there, that's real fucking news: paths, whales, and dogshit.

There's a reason why I'm bringing all this up, by the way, and that's because the North Norfolk News have also reported on what's set to be the most banging night out Britain's seen since those bloody Tories stopped us having fun back in 1994: the National Trust are bringing an Ibizan party to Norfolk. Sort of.

Taking place in the admittedly gorgeous grounds of Blickling Hall, in Blickling, which about ten miles away from anywhere with a shop, the Classic Ibiza night is part of the Blickling Proms 2016 weekender. Now, as lovely as Blickling Hall and it's grounds are, it's about as removed from the San Antonio strip as you can get. You're more likely to chow down on Kendal mint cake than a disco biscuit, and the crowd is more blokes who look like Stephen Fry than blokes washing down a fry up with ten pints. Which makes it an unlikely location for a big night out, Ibiza style.

According to promoters Revival Productions, the event is set to feature "Classic Ibiza dance anthems played by an internationally renowned DJ, accompanied by a live 32 piece orchestra!" Which, if we're being honest, sounds about as appealing as spending a night in a beach hut in Cromer with Jeremy Clarkson, Sally Webster from Corrie and the reanimated corpse of Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs. Still, an internationally renowned DJ at an Ibizan themed party thrown in conjunction with one of the country's most beloved institutions? Surely they've got someone good. Alfredo maybe? Jose Padilla? Oakenfold, Rampling, and the other lads from '87? Maybe even our dear old mate Harvey? He looks like someone who'd get a real kick out of the very occultish pyramid that rests in the middle of the grounds.

Sadly, it's none of them. Instead, it's Goldierocks. Ah, yes, Goldierocks, the first name you think of when you think of Amnesia and Ku and Cafe Del Mar and Pikes and Space. Still, I'm sure she'll be bringing a bag of super eclectic records to wow the eccied-dads in attendance. Oh, right, there's an orchestra too. I forgot about that. Not just any orchestra, though, no. This is the "uber cool Urban Soul Orchestra conducted by Stephen Hussey," and together, they'll, "deliver an unforgettable night under the stars." That's not it though, guys, that's not it at all. You want LIVE vocalists? You want a DJ being played over by an orchestra who are then played over by the legendarily talented trio of vocalists—Jina Burrows, Izzy Chase, and Max Barnes-Davy? You got it. Are we ready for a fucking party or WHAT? I mean, I thought I knew what a party was and then I looked at the handily already-online setlist just to make sure I dropped at the right time, and fucking hell, bring! It! On!

Imagine how fucking great you and the squad, all decked in Boden and Barbour, will feel, as you lie back on a reassuringly expensive blanket, smoking reassuringly expensive weed, having nibbled on a reassuringly expensive pill, will feel as Goldierocks and the Urban Soul Orchestra tease the crowd with the first few bars of "Here With Me (Chillin' with the Family Mix)". I mean, fucking hell, those are the moments life are made of. As a warning: if you're thinking of heading down, you better give me a wide berth when "Rather Be" drops — that's my fucking jam.

National Trust, Revival Productions, Blickling Hall — you've done it. This is the real Ibiza. This is what it's all about. Oh, can I borrow your NT membership? Mine fell out of my pocket when I was at Berghian. Funny story actually…

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