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Music

Here's How to Know When You're Too Old to Party

Do you ever really get too old for this shit? Maybe...
imago/Raimund Müller

This article originally appeared on THUMP Germany

You remember the elderly Polish couple at fabric don't you? For a day or two it felt like the entire world was infatuated with a set of octogenarians who'd ambled into the hallowed halls of one of the UK's most famous clubs. It was a feel-good story in an age where negativity reigns supreme. We looked at the old buggers and let out a collective "AWWWW!". And it felt nice. It felt good. It felt right.

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As soon as you hit your mid-20s you start to ache and creak and you can't help but wonder if you, yes you, are getting a bit old in the tooth. Maybe it's time to give this clubbing stuff the cold shoulder. Of course, there's nothing actually stopping you going out on the kind of three day benders that see you take in five clubs, 21 DJs, three 12.5G pouches of Golden Virginia Smooth, and at least six cans of very cheap energy drink when your 16-25 Railcard expires. It's just that…Put it this way: when you're young you think your nights can go on forever. Then you stop being young and realize they can't. Most people gradually accept that and swap Dance Tunnel for a bridge club. Others carry on. Maybe for too long.

With that in mind, here's the signs that'll let you know that maybe it's time to give up the ghost…According to our German colleagues anyway.

1. You'll be asked by the bouncer if you really want to get inside.

2. You'll be asked by the bouncer if you're taking the piss.

3. You'll say, "Y'what? Can you repeat that? I can't really hear you," to the bouncer.

Photo: imago/STAR-MEDIA

4. You step foot in the club and realize you might have made a terrible mistake.

5. You've been to so many funerals recently that you've run out of black clothes and your stonewash bootcuts and white Nick trainers look wildly out of place.

Photo: imago/RoverImages

6. You can't stop thinking about the skirting board you need to fix tomorrow.

7. You find a sofa and have a good, hard sit-down think about the skirting board you need to fix tomorrow.

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8. You fall alseep in said sofa, and dream about the skirting board you need to fix tomorrow.

Photo: imago/Günter Schneider

9. You catch yourself asking the barman for a pint of session-friendly bitter.

10. You momentarily forget where you are and are baffled as to why so many people are stood incredibly close to you.

11. You cannot stop thinking about how things were better in the Good Old Days.

Read more: New Study Confirms Old White Men Were Right: Things Were Better Back in the Day

12. You're incredibly confused by everything that everyone's shouting directly into your ear. It sounds like one long, slow, blast of an airhorn.

13. You stomp up to the booth to tell the DJ to turn it down a bit.

14. Your stroller's got a flat tyre due to the shattered bottles rolling round the floor.

Photo: Hans Günter Everhartz/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

15. You have to turn down the dealer's offer of a pinger because it's not going to combine well with the new heart pills you've recently been prescribed.

16. You start to panic that you might bump into your children. Or grandchildren.

17. You spend three wretched days in the bowels of a squalid, rancid, life-ruining hangover as a result of the session-friendly bitter you drank in the club.

Photo: imago/GlobalImagens

Alternatively: ignore all of this and enjoy clubbing for as long as it makes you happy.