Every music genre has its netherworld, full of unspoken tricks of the trade and a code that helps keep things alive--no matter how dirty and scandalous it may appear from the outside. Our That's So Ravin' columnists have been down…and get around. Worldwide party purveyors and dancefloor makers offer up some party tips for ya, free of charge.
1. There are certain items a professional takes out with them EVERY night out, no matter how early you leave the house or how much you tell yourself you won't need them: sunglasses, condoms, make-up, debit card, gum/mints, travel/metro card. If you haven't accidentally stayed out until the sun comes up and found yourself in a strange neighborhood, you're not doing it right. (And no one likes a 6 AM "condom run.")
2. Wear a fucking coat. The line for, and cost of, coat check is not so unreasonable that it warrants pneumonia. Plus, you look like a Romanian prostitute. For our advanced users, you'll be able to put it in the DJ booth for no cost and with no line. But learn how to stash in the booth WITHOUT asking the DJ if it's cool.
3. Do not carry a large bag or purse. There is not enough room on the dancefloor for your ineptitude at keeping it basic. I've already listed what you need to bring in the first tip. Add a lighter, and you're set. Everything else stays home. Rave backpacks filled with absolutely useless crap, while magical at the time, should be left in the '90s where they belong. Your oversized, fake Louis Vuitton is no better.
4. Don't smoke in a non-smoking club. Yes I know, it's a pain in the ass, but you look like a jerk trying to stealth-smoke in the crowd, and everyone hates you. Go outside and use it as an opportunity to strike up a conversation with your next potential Mr./Mrs. Right Now.
5. Don't piss on the toilet seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you're going to pee like a man, lift the seat like a man, you inconsiderate prissy little bitch (and then put it down when you're done).
6. Know who is playing. Seriously, try to understand the acts you're going to spend a considerable amount of your time and money on, and don't support the ones who are actually shit. This isn't just a night out; it's also a musical performance. If you don't know that, I'm sure there is a spot for you at one of the many bottle service establishments 'round town.
7. Dreadlocks. Avoid people with them at all costs on the dancefloor. Getting a knobby end of matted hair in your mouth is even grosser than it sounds. The entire dance world let out a massive sigh of relief when Josh Wink finally sheared his off. Note: If you are terrified by this (and you should be), never go clubbing in Barcelona.
8. Be patient in the line to the toilet. Yes, you. Have you really never been in a toilet with someone else? Have some sympathy for those looking for a bit of privacy. If none of the toilets open up after five minutes, then you can start knocking. Also, pretending to be sick so you can pee faster is the lowest of the low. Lastly, if you see a DJ in the line, it's an automatic free pass. Um, duh. That is, unless you want the sound guy to jump in the booth and start 'DJing' while the actual DJ waits for you to take a dump.
9. Speakers. They're fun. They make that boom-boom sound. But standing next to them all night is never going to bode well for your eardrums, especially if you're also humping them. Besides, a club that gives a shit about their partygoers will have sound that is quality throughout the space, not just three inches from the speaker.
10. Don't yell your friends' faces off to speak to them on the dancefloor. Chances are whatever you have to say can wait, but if it can't, here's a little trick: calmly approach your friend, place one finger over that little piece of cartilage that covers their earhole (it's called the tragus), and hold it closed as you speak. Now they can hear you, and no more screaming or spitting in their face. MAGIC!