Party Politics: How Your Vote Will Affect Your Night Out

Following the run up to this election is becoming more and more like trying to work out who killed Lucy Beale. We are trapped in another Eastenders live week, party leaders dropping clues all over the place, everyone hedging bets on the expected outcome praying we don't have another Bobby Beale on our hands.

The trouble is, beyond all the Milifandom and Farage gaffes, whatever Frankenstein's Parliament we end up with will influence every corner of our lives; from whether or not we are a nuclear power to how much we pay for the bus. It might sound flippant to spend time focusing purely on how much power each party will have over your piss-ups, but with talk so often returning to the huge (often red herrings) of immigration and international relations, it can be interesting to shed light on the some of the specific realities. Plus, we're a website dedicated to dance music and club culture – would be a bit weird if we wrote about agricultural reform, right?

There is also the last few years to consider, a period within which British nightlife has taken several heavy hits. The intensification of archaic drug policies, the threat of breathalysers at fabric, the closure of venues like Plastic People or the recent attempt on Glasgow's The Arches, have all placed the very idea of a Great Night Out in the hands of politicians. Club culture has teetered dangerously close to extinction too many times recently, and protecting it has become more and more paramount. Add to that the personal impact of the miserable post-recession era on our measly bank accounts - if we haven't got the option of living it large in these grey days then what have we got?

We spent the morning poring over the manifestos of the seven major parties, using the trusty PDF search tool to pull up any mention of music, culture, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and clubs. The results paint a varied picture of how each proposed manifesto would affect British nightlife if implemented. In some cases it is tough to call, with many parties barely engaging with culture at all, but in others there are glimpses at how your vote could impact your turn up.

THE TORIES

It is under the current Conservative-Lib Dem government that many of our current clubbing woes have emerged, so you will understand if we are a little reluctant to invest too much faith in their policies. BUT in the interests of objectivity let's look at what they have to say going forward.

Speaking broadly about music and culture, the Tory manifesto states "In music, art, fashion, theatre, design, film, television and the performing arts, we have an edge." Sounds edgy, but in terms of concrete investments in music and culture, their manifesto is more tight fisted than Mike Tyson on the shitter.

The same cannot be said for drugs policies however, with substances most definitely labelled a "driver of crime", along with alcohol. The manifesto also promises a "blanket ban on all new psychoactive substances, protecting young people from exposure to so-called 'legal highs'". This comes in tandem with the introduction of alcohol monitoring tags. I wasn't sure what an alcohol monitoring tag was, but luckily I found a cheerily soundtracked video that explained exactly what they are. Essentially it's like an ankle monitor, but one that can smells out the VK in your hangover sweat. Aye, it's creepy.

LABOUR

Despite the fact Ed Miliband is apparently now more popular among young people than an Ed Sheeran Game of Thrones cameo streamed exclusively on Buzzfeed, the Labour plan of action is depressingly bare when it comes to music and boozing. In fact the only mention of "clubs" at all comes in their repeated pledges to footy teams, which would at least secure a small percentage of guaranteed funky house sales via Louis Van Gaal.

Music gets no mention whatsoever, presumably being lumped in with the usual 'cultural heritage' rhetoric. In fact the repercussions of a Labour government on your night out are pretty straightforward: fags and booze. Miliband wants to target the sale of "high strength, low cost alcohol products" as well as introducing a "levy on tobacco". So that's the Glen's Vodka business in the skip. Policies like these come up a lot in the left of centre manifestos, and while they might bring about the initial fear - "Big Brother's taxing our rollies!" - they are largely included in promises around health. So maybe we should be a bit boring and let them have this one.

LIB DEMS

Last time round, Nick Clegg's MOR party learned hard way about what happens if try to impress the intimidating rich kids at a private school house rave. Now they have spent the election preamble half-apologising, half-blame-shifting, with Clegg wobbling around like an ex-boyfriend on a regrettable late night phone call. All told, they are a bit of a buzz kill. Last person you want to meet in the smoking area at the moment is a Lib Dem.

Once again, though, they lead with a blanket statement on how much they love the "creative industries" and how culture is "essential for personal fulfilment and quality of life". They too want to hit booze and tabs, introducing "Minimum Unit Pricing" on alcohol, and similarly to Labour bring in a levy on tobacco to contribute to the cost of health care. They do, however, rule out a statutory ban on vaping, meaning under Clegg you will be free to suck on that sonic screwdriver in the cordoned off VIP corner until your lungs are content.

UKIP

Every picture he's ever appeared in in his life suggests that if one man is going to protect my pint and my fags, it's going to be Nigel Farage. He loves 'em! Like really loves them, with that sort of muted passion you see in the eyes of yellow skinned pensioners sat in Wetherspoons at 11am on a Thursday. Nige loves fags and beer so much, when other politicians pull their spouses on stage and do interviews in their kitchen, he just sits in a pub, pulls another pint of Bombardier, and pretends to know the locals.

True to form, UKIP genuinely have a section of their manifesto entitled "UKIP'S SAVE THE PUB CAMPAIGN", an entire policy dedicated to keeping Britain wavy. The problem is, Nige says, that "the UK has lost 21,000 pubs since 1980, mostly as a result of taxation, regulation, the recent decline in disposable incomes and long-term cultural changes." The plan then is to go absolutely wild. Smoking ban? Forget it. Minimum price on alcohol? Nah, charge what you like, mate. Plain packaging on cigarettes? Put a picture of a rabbit in lipstick and sunglasses sparking one up for all we care. So there you have it. Want to save the great British night out? Vote UKIP! Except, hold on…

"Introducing a 'presumption in favour of conservation' as opposed to the current 'presumption in favour of development' in planning legislation." That statement might not sound as exciting as "you can smoke inside if you vote for us", but represents the truly corrosive attitudes UKIP have towards culture. The party genuinely sees the past as more important than the future when it comes to creativity in society, so money would be taken out of development and put into heritage and preservation. National Trust 1. Arts Council 0. They would also do away with the Department for Culture, Media and Sport entirely, and drugs decriminalisation is totally ruled out.

SNP

There is no mention of anything relevant to club culture at all in the SNP's slim manifesto. Sturgeon must just prefer staying in. Numbers must be raging.

GREEN

The Green's border on idealistic on a number of topics, but idealism can be a powerful force for change when put in the right hands, so it shouldn't be dismissed. They have some very forward thinking approaches to drugs, chiefly treating addiction as a "health problem" rather than a criminal one. They say they want to bring in policies that are targeted at "supporting, not punishing, drug users", which is the most refreshing thing we read during our entire manifesto read up fest.

Their drug laws also go as far as a "step-by-step regulation" of substances currently banned under the Misuse of Drugs Act. This would be with a view to introducing a system that "reduces harm" and eventually brings the market under state control, turning it into a "potential tax revenue generator". Put simply, your ectos will cost more, but, in a Green future, you might not have to jump in the back of a KIA behind Camden Sainsbury's on a late friday afternoon anymore.

PLAID CYMRU

Finally, Plaid Cymru want to make some similar waves to the Greens, albeit slightly more reserved ones. They also want to see a reduce in harm from substance abuse that treats "problematic" users as patients rather than criminals. They support the legalisation of cannabis, so your after-party wind-down laughing at Vine compilations should be completely legitimised.

Smoking comes under fire in their manifesto, with a statement in favour of plain packaging and "other measures" to stop addiction to cigarettes. Refreshingly, the Welsh party also makes a claim in favour of increasing "access to the arts for young people, particularly those of disadvantaged backgrounds." It might not sound inherently linked to getting pissed every weekend, but the diversification of the arts can only be good for strengthening the quality and authenticity of the beats we fuzzily nod our heads along to, and the places we do that in.

OUTCOME

It's a mixed bag, isn't it? Most of the manifestos failed to acknowledge the issues in property development that are damning our clubs, with only a few mentioning the draconian drugs policies that have brought the police further into our nights out than ever before. I suppose the good news is that whichever way it goes, we should have a very good reason to drown our sorrows.

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