This weekend, Sexpo came to Melbourne for the first time since 2019, promising performance, shopping, and the chance to meet your idols, whether they be the girls of Kittens strip club, Australia’s OnlyFans stars, or the world’s most awarded porn star, Angela White. It definitely bore the promise of excellent sightseeing.Numerous people asked what I was doing there. The easy answer was that Sexpo had reached out to VICE, and asked us if we’d like to attend [yes]. But the hard answer was more nebulous… sinister, even. Frankly, I wanted answers. Answers to questions I knew not how to ask. Existential questions that keep me up, searching the stars on cold nights. What happens when we die? What is the worst star sign? If I was gonna die tomorrow… what would I do today?
Advertisement
And I knew that Australia’s leading sexuality and lifestyle expo would be the best place to explore those queries.It was dark, loud and hot inside. Suffused in horny ultraviolet light, Sexpo was a circus of sluts, salespeople, sex workers, curious adults and horny little pervs. I found myself immediately at home.
The Circus
I chased down a hot, shirtless cowboy, in the hope of finding some answers. It was Dom, from Men of Dreams, just clocking off after a performance. “If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do?” I asked.
Advertisement
“I would do all of the extreme sports that I love [highlining, skydiving, freediving] and I would get all of my friends, fly them out to an island somewhere and have a really big party. Probably on mushrooms,” he said.“Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junky?”“Interestingly enough, for me, it isn’t about adrenaline. It’s when you work through it, and you can find the silent in between. Like when you’re skydiving, it’s all scary, then everything goes quiet. That is insane.”“Do you have anything you’d like to tell the world?”“Just live the wildest, craziest life for yourself. You’ll never regret that.”
Kittens
Advertisement
“If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do?” I asked her.“Maybe go on a bender, you know, one last time. With a celebrity. Make money like there’s no tomorrow. Go to museums, get high….” she said.“What do you think is the worst star sign?” “Scorpio. My partner is a scorpio, they’re lovely, but they’re the worst. Sorry!”“Was there anything else you’d like to add?”“No! Not at all. Make money, come to Kittens, see me naked!”
The Vulva Wall
“HELP US TO CELEBRATE VULVA DIVERSITY:
Have your vulva photographed to feature in upcoming coffee table book, ‘Flip Through My Flaps’ – $50, includes glass wand dildo”
Advertisement
“Do you have a favourite wall?” I asked.“Vulva, absolutely. We love the pussy here!”
“If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do?”“Oh, have a giant orgy with a whole lot of people at Sexpo,” Ellie laughed. “Great answer. That’s the real afterparty.”“That’s where we’re going tonight, actually.”“Anything else you’d like to say?”“Love your body. You only have one body for the rest of your life, so you may as well spend every single day enjoying it. It’s yours to touch, pleasure is important, and yeah, know your own anatomy!”
The Vagina Sucker
Advertisement
“Sunning your holes is very in right now. If you were gonna die tomorrow, what would you do today?”“I would go to my family farm with my friends and family, and eat lunch. Lots of salads, pasta, champagne…” Indigo said.
“I’ve got it,” Tamar said, “I would contact everyone I know and make sure a documentary is made about my life. And turn my room into a museum. And just make sure that I’m remembered and that I have a legacy. So that people are like ‘holy shit, I can’t believe I didn’t know that person well on this Earth, while they were in this realm’ and they’ll be sad.”
Bath Water
“Do you girls have OnlyFans?” he repeated. “Oh, no, sorry!” we said.“Well, you should both get OnlyFans and then sign up!” he walked off.I looked down at the baby blue business card in my hand. All it read was “AquaTap”, with a contact email and web address below. I realised he’d said something about bathwater. I ran after him. “Excuse me, what did you say your site was for?”“Selling bathwater!” Oh my giddy god. He agreed to an interview, although not on camera.“We’re called AquaTap, where girls can sell their bathwater online,” he said, “Similar to Amazon, but sellers can sign up and they can sell their bathwater through our website.”
Advertisement
“Is it a start-up?”“Yes it is, I coded it all myself, I make it all myself, I do all the marketing myself, gotta do it all from scratch.“How’s it going?”“We’re still in our growth phase, we’re still only a couple of weeks old, so we’re still looking for new people.”“Where did the idea come from?”“So, it originated from Belle Delphine. And there’s already used underwear stores so I know that that can be extended to bathwater.”“Do you think that this is the future?”“Absolutely yes. I think that bathwater is a growing industry, and it’ll be a lot bigger in ten years’ time.”
The Sexiest People In the World
@hotboiyo for Eagle Leather!!! STOP ITTTTT !!
All photos by Kallista Richards.Follow Arielle on Instagram and Twitter.Read more from VICE Australia and subscribe to our weekly newsletter, This Week Online.