Do you feel it? The warmth on your body? The brightness in your eyes you must combat by wearing Wayfarer-style sunglasses? The moisture in your armpits that accumulates as you wait on the subway platform and then freezes against your body once you are on the train itself? Yes, friends, it is Summer. And that means it is time for Song. Of the Summer.Yes, my fellow music enthusiasts, the sun has kissed our faces yet again. No longer are we confined to listening to podcasts, ambient background sounds, conversations, reruns of Frasier on Netflix, and the racing, anxious thoughts that characterize our inner monologues. Now that it is Summer, we can also listen to Song. Of Summer.
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We get but one of them a year, one Song, every Summer that we are allowed to listen to, on repeat, from whenever it gets hot in May until whenever it gets cold in September. We must choose wisely, for we cannot stop listening to it, or decide on an alternate Song once it's mid-July and we've gotten sick of Song. One Song to rule them all, one Song to find them. One Song to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.Which Song will be Our Song? Of the Summer? I have carefully weighed the contenders, considering them from all angles, and have laid out their pros and cons below. My findings should be considered scientific and binding, and shall not be questioned. If you disagree with my conclusions about the Song of the Summer, you can always text me your dissent at 828-675-8574, but honestly I'm probably not going to listen to you. I'm not even listening to myself here. I am like zombie Dale Cooper, simply channeling the whims of a shadowy world into actions I do not fully understand. For Summer itself is speaking through me, directing me to choose Song. Of Summer. Let us begin.
According to Billboard's Song of the Summer chart, which combines "radio airplay audience impressions," "sales data," and "streaming activity data from online music sources," this summer's hottest song is "Despacito." And while Billboard's cunning use of Big Data is certainly helpful when determining the Song of the Summer, Big Data is also what helped Donald Trump and Brexit happen, plus Justin Bieber is a fucking idiot and forgot the words to his own number one hit and replaced them with lyrics that were childish at best and racist at worst. Legally, this song cannot be the Song of the Summer because Justin Bieber is from Canada, where Summer does not exist. The original version, with only Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee, is the true Song of the Summer.
Luis Fonsi featuring Daddy Yankee and Justin Bieber – "Despacito"
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The Calvin Harris Song with Migos and Frank Ocean
Like Metallica's "Enter Sandman," the Song of Summer 1991, The Calvin Harris Song with Migos and Frank Ocean is an example of an artist who rose from the underground, built up an immense fan base, and cashed in by making an unabashed pop song. Metallica teamed up with producer Bob Rock a.k.a. The Guy Who Produced a Bunch of Hair Metal Albums for their crossover play; Frank cliqued up with Calvin Harris a.k.a. The Guy Who Makes Songs of the Summer and Migos a.k.a. Migos. Without a doubt, The Calvin Harris Song with Migos and Frank Ocean is the Song of the Summer.
French Montana feat. Swae Lee – "Unforgettable"
Whatever Lil Uzi Vert Song Happens to Be Popular Right Now
Teens like Lil Uzi Vert, right? I don't know, because I'm so old that I'm basically dead. Anyways, school is out and the teens are out vaping, and they're listening to Whatever Lil Uzi Vert Song Is Popular Right Now while they're doing it, and that Song, whatever it may be, is the Song of the Summer.
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A Song by a Former Member of One Direction
Enrique Iglesias – "Bailamos"
Satanarchist – "Silver Ships of Andlair"
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