Humans are never satisfied; we're always looking for more. It's in our stupid, fickle human nature. We like to ruin things by being greedy and excessive to the point of no return – it's just how we are, all flawed and dumb. We take the wonderful, natural things that are gifted to us by the universe – like nature, or Taco Bell – and we deform them to the point of questioning if they're even enjoyable anymore. It's one of mankind's greatest mysteries; this wild, menacing overindulgence.
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Safe in the knowledge that we've probably already destroyed our planet so bad that it's too late to reverse it, all we have left to enjoy is sex. But we want more, don't we? We have to go the extra mile, and start writing songs to have sex to. Does music even enhance sex, anyway? Sex is good, and music is good, but there are just so many horrible stories of the twain meeting, aren't there. So many examples of things going awry. The optimist in me likes to think that, considering these songs were written with a specific purpose in mind, at least some of them must deliver. But there was only way to find out – stop speculating, do some Real Journalism™, and trial it myself.So, the name of science, I decided to convince my boyfriend to have sex with me to a variety of different songs in a quest to objectively answer one of life's greatest unanswered questions: Is there such thing as good sex music?To start this investigation, we looked to none other but the King of Sex himself: Robbie Williams. In true Robbie spirit, we decided to play "Rock DJ" off my phone at the side of the bed, hungover as hell, in the middle of the day with the curtains wide open and the sun directly beaming into our eyes. I picked this song because: a) Robbie Williams is the only good British institution left and; b) my boyfriend loves Robbie Williams more than he loves me, so I knew it would be a sure-fire way to keep him engaged during what was possibly about to be the weirdest sexual experience of our lives.
ROBBIE WILLIAMS – "ROCK DJ"
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After the first chorus, it all just became background noise to be honest. Robbie's voice eventually faded into what sounded like a choir of angels, lifting us up with every thrust, encouraging us into each position. He's rooting for us, I thought, he's really rooting for us. In this moment, I realised "Rock DJ" is whatever you want it to be. I never understood its true purpose beforehand, and now I understand it even less so that I've banged to it. Regardless, the sex was very good, and after it successfully ended, I couldn't help but picture Robbie sitting up there in the sky like a guardian angel, looking down on us with pride – a single tear rolling down his cheek.
CELINE DION – "MY HEART WILL GO ON"
Anyone over the age of 24 who claims that that Titanic sex scene wasn't their first sexual awakening is lying. The jovial rush of sneaking into a fancy car that doesn't belong to you; Leonardo DiCaprio's soft, angelic face; the slow, creeping in of Celine Dion's 1997 smash hit "My Heart Will Go On"; Kate Winslet's hand print on the steamy window – it's the perfect template for Serious Lovemaking.Turns out lovemaking is a thing people only do in movies. While I'd like to think it was as cinematic and romantic as Leo and Kate having one last bang as doomed lovers, it just wasn't. The sex started and ended exclusively in missionary position, like there was some kind of vanilla magnetic force holding us back from being our usual selves, like it was literally illegal to be kinky, because, you know, you're shagging to the Titanic song. The whole experience was pretty nondescript and subtle, but I'm also not going to sit here and pretend I didn't sing along to the key change in my head. I take this as a small victory. Next.
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BERLIN – "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY"
BRYAN ADAMS – "SUMMER OF 69"
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Banging to "Summer of 69" can only be described as a visceral experience in its purest form; there was no logic, no inhibition, just an overwhelming desire to hop on that karaoke stage, can in hand, and smash out a fine rendition to the roaring applause of my peers. We both had a nice time for those three minutes and 32 seconds. Then again, we always have a nice time when Bryan Adams is on, don't we.It's 2017 and one of your favourite bands just surprised-dropped their supposed last album ever. What's the only logical response to that news? See if you can shag to it.I chose "137", in particular, because: a) that guitar solo shreds and; b) it's about the impending doom of being evaporated in nuclear warfare, so why not test the strength of our minds here. The first three minutes of the song are slow and brooding, which makes it hard to focus on the morose lyrics, and easier to bang to the mood the song creates. This can only be a good thing, I thought.I set myself the small mental challenge of trying to get my boyfriend to come when the solo kicks in – suffice to say, it didn't work. Turns out trying to get someone to have an orgasm from scratch in three minutes and 40 seconds is quite difficult. Also – he denies this – I'm pretty sure he was tapping his feet along to the drums while I was giving him a blowjob, which was distracting. All in all, would not recommend trying to fuck to a song that is ostensibly about everyone being bombed to death.
BRAND NEW – "137"
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UNCLE KRACKER – "FOLLOW ME"
CHARLIE PUTH – "MARVIN GAYE" FEAT. MEGHAN TRAINOR
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