Let us Remember: Euro Dance

I was born in 1989. Some people would say that—excluding hip hop and Nirvana obviously—I was raised in a time bereft of culturally significant music. They might even stick the knife in by suggesting the 90s and early 00s were notable only for The Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears in a crop top, and DJ Otzi. Well fuck you. That's when euro dance happened. And it was life changing.

SASH!

This dude was committing mass murder during '97-98, like: Murder on the dance floor, not tourist in Yemen. When the 90s were at their 90s-est, this guy was basking in hair-gelled, synthetic pants glory. He dropping bombs like "Adelante", which to this day remains the anthem of slightly overweight, tanned, half naked, Croatian guys named Dragan, with shoulder length hair slicked back with nothing but sweat.

According to the awards section of his Wikipedia page (journalism at its finest) this dude had the Midas touch. And possibly a few STDs— but hey, who am I to judge? After all, this is the man who blew my little 8-year-old mind when he took something I'd never really thought about—like keyboards—and made them fucking Godzilla by adding a leather jacket and fire.

Darude

Picture this: the year is 1999—you're a Nokia creative executive. Your research department has developed a function on the new Nokia 3310 that allows you to create your own ringtone using the keypad. Sure it's a bit of fun, pretty simple, but you think it probably won't catch on. Then Darude drops "Sandstorm". Return to present day: you're driving your Murciélago through Monte Carlo because every tween copped your phone ten years ago for the single purpose of making that their ringtone.

Bomfunk MCs

Not sure if the guy in their arguably iconic "Freestyler" clip could be anymore of an epitome to what was cool in the 90s. He's got it all: dreads, tinted sunnies, goatee, baggy cargo pants—wow, so radical. Like the human version of Sonic the Hedgehog.

I doubt I'm the only one who woke up at 8am on a Saturday morning and watched the entirety of Video Hits just for this clip. My dad would actually yell at me for waking up so early and watching TV, then yell at me for watching TV too long, then yell at me for wasting half the day because "Freestyler" didnt come on till 11.54. I actually owned this on cassette because my mum bought it for me from Sanity for $9.99. No regrets.

ATB

This guy is responsible for the Euro dance classic "9PM Till I Come". That track holds the dubious honer of having more of a half buttoned white shirt, tan skin, fake Gucci glasses vibe than any other song ever. Grammatically, it also has a title that doesn't make any sense at all.

It's impossible to listen to and not imagine some dude repetedly refrerring to you as, "My friend". In that weird limbo period between portable cd players completely talking over walkmen, Sony mini-disc players were a thing. The only thing that shone as bright as Euro Dance in the 90s was the mini-disc. Both are missed.