There’s Now a Sex Toy for People Who Want to F*ck a Snowman (Me!)

We’re no longer edging the holidays, mate. We’re elbow-deep in turkey-basting saísön, wading through early Black Friday deals and advent calendar gift guides while Enya’s winter CD is on full-blast. It’s making us happy, it makes us hungry, and, most of all, it is making us horny for the latest holiday sex toy from Spencer’s Gifts. Warm up the milk and cookies, folks—the snowman clitoral vibrator has arrived. 

This frosty sex toy comes to us from Spencer’s, the esteemed makers of this Santa-themed dildo and a rubber duck clitoral vibrator that’s giving us flashbacks to the (perpetually sold-out; RIP) Blowfish vibrator, one of the best and most affordable clitoral toys we’ve tested at the VICE. Most of all, with its festive drop, Spencer’s posits one of life’s more niche existential questions, Why not fuck a snowman? Just look at the eager, gaping mouth of this snow boi; peep his jaunty infinity scarf. You’d never know it from the 4.5-inch tall frame, but the snowman has a powerful, rechargeable motor that can go for two hours straight. That’s a lot of heat for such a frosty gent, and if it’s anything like its Blowfish cousin, it’ll knock our socks off. 

Stuff the snowman in your stocking, gift him to your BFF for Hanukkah, or bring him to the white elephant party for a hoot. Sure, Frosty the snowman is traditionally Christmas-oriented lore, but I always thought of him as a more non-denominational winter icon growing up; he just wants to smoke a pipe in a top hat outside of your house. He’s the kind of un-anthropomorphized 90s Michael Keaton-esque snow mound you could crack a cold one open with at the bodega—thoughtful, but not fussy. Just three stacked, massive snow balls that melt away by the time you really start to feel attached (“Don't you cry I'll be back again some day!” my ass). What more could someone with daddy issues you want from a sex toy? What better way to sexually dom your fear of abandonement? 

You don’t need to read Dostoevsky to feel something this winter. You just need to fuck this snowman.  

The Snowman vibrator can be purchased at Spencer’s. 

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