How to Handle Breaking-Up in Halls

It might be hard to imagine a situation worse than ending a relationship with someone that you live with, all while neither of you can move out, but that’s the case with breaking-up in uni halls.

You eat dinner every night, metres away from each other, might share a floor or even, god-forbid, a wall, and while things are at their worst and most awkward there are about 200 other people there to watch the whole thing unfold. 

But the reality is that when you put hundreds of first year students straight out of school together in one place… people are gonna date. Which means, eventually, there will also be break-ups – especially when some couples come into uni already dating and then end up changing individually throughout their time at uni. 

While not all break-ups will be disastrous, under the pressures of uni, drinking and trying to stay afloat socially, there are bound to be more than a few relationships in every year group that don’t end well. 

A 4th year student in Dunedin told VICE that in-hall break-ups could be “pretty toxic and pretty rough” because of the intense environment. “You'd see them every day,” they said. “You'd have to have ended on good terms to cope,” they said.

And one couple’s break-up can also affect more than just the two people involved, as Logan*, an Otago 2nd year, explained. 

“Our group had two mates that were seeing each other. They were dating before uni and then they moved to the halls together. We were sort of more mates with her, and he became mates with us, too. They ended up breaking up and we kind of had to pick sides a little bit. Not consciously pick sides, but yeah… He really wanted to be the one that we picked.” 

But a break-up in halls isn’t the end of the world, although it probably feels like it. In the words of Christchurch student Gareth: “It's always a little bit awkward but it kind of is what it is.’

Community.

The number one thing VICE was told by students was how important it is to lean on the people in your hall.

This can be tricky when you both live there – but it’s not about getting everyone on your side, it’s just about making sure you have a mate you can walk to dinner with, or someone’s door you can knock on when you’re not doing too well late at night.

Don’t underestimate the people you’re not super close to, either. You never know what might come out of sitting next to someone new at dinner, and suddenly you have a new friend and new support. Surround yourself with good people, and don’t worry about who your ex is spending their time with. 

Accept you’ll see them around.

There’s no getting around the fact that you live in the same place. Worst comes to worst, there are always options to move rooms or even relocate to different accommodation. But you don’t need to uproot yourself in order to get through your break-up. 

Accepting that you’re gonna see them around will make it a lot easier when you do. Interestingly, several first and second year students told VICE they use Snapchat, and Snapmaps, to check out an ex’s location and ensure they don’t end up in the library at the same time. But look: staying too conscious of where they are will only make you paranoid and end up restricting your routine. You can’t avoid them forever. It might be awkward when it happens, but the sooner you get comfortable with passively being in each other's space the better. 

Good Distractions.

All the usual rules apply:  keeping up with your hobbies is one of the best things you can do for yourself when going through heartbreak. Distractions aren’t always good, depending on what they are, (5 rounds at Subs is probably not the best idea), but neither is shutting yourself away and drowning in your feelings. 

Make your peace.

No one plans for a relationship to end badly, but that doesn’t stop it from happening. Maybe you’ve been cheated on (Re-O’week, anyone?) or ghosted, and if that’s the case, we’re not here to tell you to get over it and make peace with them. But if you don’t have to hate your ex, then don’t make things messier by starting. Keep in mind that when you live with so many other people, it's best for everyone that you get along. If you can pull them aside for a quiet convo or send a message and agree not to antagonise each other, it’ll make things much easier in the long run.

Use the resources available to you through uni.

Talking it out isn’t always easy, but it always helps. Most university halls or the universities themselves will be able to offer some form of mentorship or counselling for free. Ask your RA, supervisor or Dean to point you in the right direction to speak with a professional. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.