Ever sat there on a Sunday evening after a Saturday night, stomach tensed with dread, jaw resting somewhere near your floating ribs, your lips glued together with a thick white residue you'd really rather not think about, eagerly awaiting the delivery of a tandoori lamb shashlik that you're not actually going to eat, with the telly humming away in the background? Of course you have! You'll have done that because that's part and parcel of the sesh and you love the sesh more than anything else. The sesh is your life now: it has bled you dry and left you a hollow-eyed cadaver who haunts clubs, cashpoints, and corner shops.
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And now it's spat you out—as it always has, as it always will—on the sofa in a miserable living room with nothing but self-loathing and Songs of Praise for company. It is dark outside now, and you feel lonely, possibly lonelier than you've ever felt before, so lonely that you'll voluntarily sit through three hours of Michael Portillo prattling about on regional steam trains, eyes shut tight, pretending you were sat next to him, huffing on his oaky, smoky fumes, clinking flagons of cheap red plonk together.Last night things were different. You were glowing, you were lithe, you were a dancing machine. You were young and free and irresistible. You were sweating and shining and you thought that everything would stay this perfect forever. It didn't. It couldn't. So here you are, fingernail-free, the last flakes of crumbly tobacco dredged from their polyethene coffin and stuffed into the most prison-thin rollie you've ever tried to suck through dry teeth, crying at an episode of Can't Pay? We'll Take it Away!Stop it. RIght now. Stop whimpering. Stop moaning. Stop blowing on your curry and fucking eat it. Then, once you've stuffed your innards with lamb and rice, pull yourself together man and face facts: television isn't just a hand to hold during a comedown….it's also a seemingly endless source of great Balearic music! If you've spent the last few years digging deeper and deeper into the overdraft to get the perfect batch of records for the set at Pikes you'll never get to play, prepare to feel a fool: all you needed to be the next Jose Padilla was a basic Freeview package!
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1. TFI Friday
2. Doctors
Doctors is perhaps the strangest corner of daytime television. It reeks of illness, of days away from work spent in clammy pajamas, funneling Heinz cream of tomato soup down your gunky throat. Every episode is basically the same, full of that primo British soap style of acting—all bad news, heavy-sighs and long pauses before scene changes. It's basically Casualty but without any of the urgency or drama, just an endless drip of stomach cramps and infidelity on the outskirts of Birmingham. It would be depressing if it wasn't for that theme tune! A clattering fanfare of soft-rock instrumentalism, and the perfect crescendo to any del Mar-ready set.
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3. Brookside
4. Where The Heart Is
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5. Kilroy
6. The Weakest Link
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7. Superstars
8. Tomorrow's World
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9. Dinnerladies
10. Doc Martin
There's a cold drift that can hit Port Isaac, even on hot days. Perhaps it's down to the shape of the harbour—a sort of smudged fingerprint dug into the headland—or the way the encasing cliff-edges can pull the sea in and out of shadow at a moment's notice. Either way, you can never be sure which way the temperature will go, so it's probably best to wear a nice, loose, linen shirt. Keep yourself covered for all eventualities. Park your deck-chair equidistant between the shop fronts and water's edge, halfway between rock and salt, clotted-cream and crabmeat. Lean back slowly with a frosty bottle of St Austell-brewed lager and close your eyes. Let the sun's halo and seagull caw swim around you. Now, now that you are ready, put on the Doc Martin theme tune. Because the Doc Martin theme tune is Balearic as fuck, mate. The most Balearic of them all, to be honest.