This is Why You Should Never Remix Holiday Music

Holiday music. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Your perspective on it is probably tied into how shitty of a childhood you had and/or how jaded you are on seasonal cheer in general, but regardless of how much your stepdad loved you, we can all agree on this: The world does not need any more brostep remixes of anything, let alone Christmas music. All the Stretch Armstrongs and Razr Scooters in the world couldn't change that.

We took it upon ourselves to plunge into the seedy underbelly of SoundCloud to find some of the most remarkable (we use that term creatively) remixes of holiday music on the planet. So top up that egg nog, tuck in your ugly sweater, and tell your creepy uncle that you love him (but not like that), because you might be here a while…

When Jesus died or Moses parted the seas or whatever supposedly happened all those millenia ago to warrant your days off in December, we can guarantee that a turn-of-the-decade Brosteppian Doctor P-lite remix of "Carol of the Bells" was not their intention.

Rawdog: "Levels" (Christmas remix)

In the pantheon of modern holiday music, there are about two or three good songs total. One of them is Wham!'s "Last Christmas," a late 80's sadboy anthem of love lost amidst gallons of wayward Brylcreem. Here, the vocals are awkwardly wedged on top of the one track that doesn't need to be played again, ever, regardless of the season, Avicii's "Le7els."

If the person who made this clusterfuck is, like, 12, then we might have a genuis on our hands in a few years. If he's any older, please refer to the title of this article.

Hey, someone call Team Supreme. We've found out what Carmack does on his days off. Y'know, if you nixed the Nutcracker theme from this and handed me about seven grams of weed, I might actually enjoy this.

John Lennon - "So This is Christmas" (Sebastian Sas Violence remix)

If one of my more fancypants art-school type friends showed me this recording and told me it was some high-falutin' installation that deconstructed consumerism, religion, and Deadmau5's creative output in one fell swoop, I'd be inclined to believe them, because what exists makes absolutely no sense to me as is.

Diagram of Truth - "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" (Dubstep remix)

Just imagine, you're sittin' around the fire with your family after Christmas dinner. Lil Sally's playing with her new puppy, Tim and Fred followed up last year's announcement of their gaymarriage with this year's announcement of their gaydivorce, and Grandma's recovering well from her cataract surgery while idling at the hearth. And then this tune comes on. And your grandma dies. Christmas dubstep killed your grandma.

Happy Holidays!