What It's Like to Have Sex with Avicii (Condoms)
Two couples road-test the new line of love gloves from the most famous DJ in the world.
There's nothing more telling about the current state of EDM than the existence of the The Avicii Condom. Sold exclusively at the Avicii pop-up store during Miami Music Week, the condom was one of many Avicii-branded products including flip-flops, sunglasses and temporary tattoos.
While some might view such branded accessories cynically, others will point out that the prophylactic is just a meant to get some chuckles out of a crowd that sometimes take itself too seriously. Both sides are are missing the point. What really matters is how The Avicii Condom feels when you use it. Duh. What bells and whistles did the most famous DJ in the world put on his signature line of love gloves? Does it glow in the dark? (No.) Does it fit your member? (Maybe.) Does it play "Levels" with each pump? (Sadly, no.)
To properly judge The Avicii Condom, we enlisted two couples to take it for a spin under the sheets and interviewed them about their Swedish rubber experience. Results were decidely mixed, but all parties seemed to enjoy themselves. Oh, and we also asked them to listen to Avicii while using his latex raincoat.
COUPLE ONE: SARAH AND MIKE
THUMP: So what did you think?
Sarah*: It was way too small.
Mike: It cut off my circulation. It was smaller than a regular condom, which was weird.
Is Mike abnormally large?
S: I mean, I don't want to lie. I think so. But it was also bright green, so it looked like his penis was a superhero trying to escape a green cape or something.
So it was busting out of the condom? Did it hurt?
M: No, it wasn't painful. But also, it looked fucking low-budget. It didn't feel like I was protecting myself.
S: Well, I didn't feel unsafe. I didn't feel like it was going to break or anything.
How thick was the condom?
M: It was very thick. I've used the ultra-thin ones before, and compared to those, this was like a garbage bag. A garbage bag that squeezes your dick.
Did you feel anything?
M: Of course I did, of course I did.
S: Well you only last for three songs, so…
Was it lubricated?
S: It was super lubricated.
M: Nah, it was a nice level of lubrication.
Sarah, how did it feel going inside you?
S: Like a regular sex with a condom. I couldn't really feel it. But I was thinking about the fact that it was an Avicii condom. That introduced a level of purpose to the sex that was really cool.
What did you think of the packaging?
M: The actual plastic was stapled to the packaging, which felt weird. But it was really easy to open without ripping the condom.
S: It kind of looked like a pack of gum. I'm not sure I liked how it said "Hey Brother" in huge letters. It made me think of my brother. Not that I have a brother. But if I had one, I would have been grossed out.
What was the consistency like when you pulled it off? Was it really goopy like a long sock or was it still pretty elastic?
M: It wasn't elastic at all. It definitely looked like a very sad long sock.
What songs did you play?
S: We made a playlist. "Hey Brother," "Levels," "Wake Me Up," and "Fade Into Darkness."
Is Avicii good sex music?
S: Actually, yeah.
M: It's not too heavy and very uplifting.
S: It reminds me of doing molly.
What grade would you give it on an A to F scale?
S: Probably a solid B.
M: Same. It kinda sucked but I'm happy because I'm Finnish and Avicii's Swedish, so there's a bit of a rivalry. And now I can say that I probably have a bigger dick than Avicii.
COUPLE TWO: MARCUS AND LUKA
What did you like the most about the condom?
Marcus: The packaging was really cheeky. He's a designer for big fashion labels and works a lot with leather and fur. I do digital merchandizing for a major Italian fashion brand. So we're both pretty visual people, and thought the packaging and colors were really fun. The fact that a DJ was behind it is weird… but interesting.
Do you guys usually use condoms?
M: Yep. We're a newly dating couple so we're playing it safe for now.
How did the packaging stand out to you guys?
M: We thought it was super cute. We liked that it looked like a matchbook. We both smoke cigarettes, so it's funny to have a matchbook and condom in our pocket that kind match each other.
Are you guys big Avicii fans? What songs did you play while using the condom?
Luka: I am, more so than he is. We just made a Spotify playlist.
M: I think "Break Da Floor" was on it. Actually, I think they should put a list on the condom of suggested songs to listen to while you're having sex. That's my suggestion to make it better.
How did the actual condom look like?
M: The color wasn't as vibrant as it was when it was all rolled up. I thought it would be more colorful, but it was extremely black—more than any other condom we've ever seen. It was really glossy. It looked like future candy. It was great.
Was it thicker or thinner than regular condoms?
M: It was a little thinner than what I'm used to. I think it was one of those ultra-thin kinds. The size was pretty normal.
How did it look when you were finished? Did it retain its elasticity or did it get all worn out?
M: It was stretched out like a long deflated balloon. But it felt stronger than usual. We've had issues with the free NYC condoms—they break really easily. But after he finished, he was able to tie it up in a knot and toss it in the trash.
How would you rate it on a scale of one to ten?
L: It didn't feel any different from a normal condom. I would give it a 7 or an 8.
M: If anything it empowered us to listen to dance music while having sex. I had more fun because of the whole experience that it created. So I would give it a 9.
*Participants' names (save one) have been changed to protect the innocent. The Avicii Condom is no longer available, but Avicii's online store still sells branded tank-tops, iPhone cases and a vinyl edition of "Levels."