Eight Signs That Your DJ Career is Over

If you've ever heard the expression "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," you'll surely support me in my belief that any musician that can't get with the times is obsolete. What good is a techno record if it won't win you a Grammy? Why bother with acid house when you can't even remix Lana Del Rey?  We got together in the office this morning and compiled a definitive list of signs that your DJ career is over.

8. You Aren't Charting on Hypem

Sign number eight is the easiest to catch. If you click on Hypem's Popular page and aren't in the top 30 then I'm sorry, but you should just toss your monitor speakers in the river and get a job at Target. This messy situation can thankfully be side-stepped by sending email blasts begging for Hypem hearts and paying blogs that are registered on Hypem to post about you, regardless of their musical focus.

7. You Ditch Your Traktor S2 for A Cumbersome Technic 1200 Setup

Say it with me now: "Technology is the future." Flashing lights, auto-sync, and end of song reminders are all that's standing between you and a tearful bathroom rendition of "Losing My Edge".

6. You Have Never Been Involved In Twitter Beef

If your idea of Twitter beef is a Munchies video on Scottish hipsters raising cattle sustainably, you are obsolete.

5. You Stop Using Vengence Samples

Much like Jesus or whipped cream, Vengence samples are here to make the world a better place. The progressive house community swear by them. The trap community swear by them. People with the time to design their own sounds clearly weren't getting totally wasted with the hottest chick you've ever seen last night.

4. You Define Your Music Without Using Prefixes

If you're not "future-" and you're not "festival-", what are you exactly?

3. You Aren't Main Stage at an American Music Festival

TomorrowWorld, EDC, HARD, Mad Decent Block Party, Coachella, Bonnaroo, Paradiso--if your aspirations as a musician aren't to play at any of these events in front of thousands of shirtless ravers, why are you even making music? Name one relevant DJ that hasn't played at an American music festival. Drawing a blank? I thought so.

2. You Stop Using Like to Download

Everybody knows that Facebook Likes are the key to success. Zuckerberg knows it, Obama knows it, even ISIS realize the importance of social media. DJs that don't make use of Like to Download (while they still can) are simply too irrelevant for the hearts and minds of the younger generation.

1. You Don't Ask People to Throw Their Hands in the Air Anymore

Kids go to shows to do one of three things: spill their vodka soda, hit on Becky, and throw their hands up in the air. Unfortunately, the hiballs and pickup lines often distract us from flailing our arms in an upwards direction. That's where you come in. You, you magnificent specimen of a musician with your magnificent microphone. Without you cutting the music and telling the audience to "jump", "throw your hands up", or "twerk" there is no show. If you can't make good on this responsibility as a musician, your DJ career is officially over.

Ziad Ramley is on Twitter: @ZiadRamley