The 5 Techno Bros You Need to Avoid at All Costs

For the first instalment of our new regular column, Club Angels take a look at the five types of techno bros you need to avoid at all costs. You've been warned.

The Discogs Dickhead

About as interesting as a discarded milk crate, all their conversations with you will either be about the next big vinyl fair at a trendy pizza shop or how jam packed their Juno cart is with 'must haves'. Yawn. You'll find the Discogs Dickhead in a corner of the club, cradling a warm beer with a selection of their 'rare finds' at the ready just in case the international DJ stops the music in a panic and screams "DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY VINYL?" A rare find is a conversation with someone who has a vinyl collection and doesn't put you to sleep. Look I know that disco record from 1982 you picked up on Record Store Day is worth $1000 and you "scored" it for $300, that's really great but I have better things to do, like figuring out how to avoid you until the end of time. USBs and CDJ2000s aren't the enemy here and your riveting conversations about how technology is ruining house music is just about as interesting as your long hair and beard combo. My advice is to steer clear of these yawn-inducing, faux connoisseurs and if possible keep them in their dusty corners right where they belong.

The Drink Card Millionaire
Chances are you've already come into contact with this techno bro, in fact you've probably foolishly hooked up with one and at the very worst, dated one. If you haven't, please for the love of Yeezus don't fall for the promoter DJ whose promises of free entry, free drink cards and free disappointment somehow seems appealing. It is quite frankly baffling how having a list at a club that earns you $1.50 per person who uses it, is akin to creating the most out of hand god complexes I've encountered. This of course goes hand in hand with being a slimy sleaze, a person incapable of existing in the daylight and someone who isn't very nice. Sure it'll be a whirlwind adventure of playing party sets at 9pm, hanging out in the VIP room with people you have nothing in common with and a real insight into the world of club politics. But at the end of the day, you'll be staring at the wall on Sunday morning asking, "were the free vodka raspberries really worth it". The self involved Drink Card Millionaire doesn't have much to offer, except for the unimpressive number of attendings on their Facebook event, their creepy and uncomfortable presence and a good goog connection. If you encounter one of these bros, drop them faster than a 18 year old downs their first wet pussy shot.

The Booth Hoverer
Desperate to see what their favourite DJs' fingers look like, The Booth Hoverer can be pinpointed in any club by their location – the DJ booth. Creating a barrier of sweaty white V-necks, they swarm the decks, usually remaining stationary except for the cursory thumbs up into the DJ's face. I get it, I went to all the way Westfield Parramatta once all the way from Melbourne to linger over Kim Kardashian and staring at her was really nice, but Leon Vynehall isn't Kim Kardashian and you're kind of being really annoying and aggressive and your friends are trying to feel me up so I want you to go away. They're not a kind or pleasant people, The Booth Hoverers are territorial, elbow you out of the way if you happen to find yourself at the front and seem to detest the really acceptable club phenomenon of dancing. You know, standing around the decks doesn't make you a house and techno intellectual, it makes you an inconvenient, sweaty obstacle at the club that no one really likes.

The Wikipedia Wanker
Being able to name every Omar S B-side isn't going to make me like you, nor is telling me how I've mispronounced DJ Koze. It's really (un)impressive that you've spent a lot of time on Wikipedia reading the 'Early Life' drivel on every DJ and producer ever so can you take it else where? Having a conversation with you is like being on a really dry episode of Family Feud and I'm not exactly thrilled to do this back and forth on who knows more about some obscure German DJ. I hate the pictures on your Instagram of your girlfriend, your girlfriend being that rare, piece of shit synth you found at Cash Converters and I especially hate the way all your pictures are black and white. Oh you want to move to Berlin? What a huge surprise. You wear lots of black, "like your soul", jeez that's interesting. Maybe you should google how to have some fun and stop being so serious about techno music because it doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look like someone I wish I'd never met.

The "I'm All For Equality But" Butt
You love women? Let me guess, you have a mum and a sister so you totally get it, but… you're an idiot. This bro wanders around questioning why women "whine" about inequality when they never have trouble getting into clubs and always get free drinks and shit. "Women aren't discriminated against, they just don't try hard enough to produce music." Wow, that's eye opening! I've encountered this loser too many times. They're usually found complaining about how Nina Kraviz is only successful because she's hot *eyeroll* or talking down to women who express any interest at all in dance music. Once I told one of these bros that I had DJed over the weekend and he asked, "oh so you do you mix songs or just fade in and out?" Look, the plain and simple fact is you're a big misogynist and I hate your tiny brain's incapability of giving women credit in this industry. One day I plan on recreating Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood" video with DJ Sprinkles, Helena Hauff, Aurora Halal, Nina Kraviz, Annie Mac, Ellen Allien, Simona Kapitolina, Chiara Kickdrum, Broke Powers and destroying you all xo

Kish Lal is one half of Club Angels. Follow her on Twitter.

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