The THUMP Guide to Calling It a Night

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The THUMP Guide to Calling It a Night

Don't call your dealer, you're supposed to be at your Dad's birthday party in three hours.

Without sounding like your parents, sometimes it's important to know when to call it a night. Not only that, but it's a skill. Before you start getting all "nah mate when I go, I go in and nobody can stop me," let me explain exactly what I mean.

Have you ever found yourself at an after-party that isn't really an after-party and is instead you and group of seven other people trying not to look knackered, cutting lines of whatever is left and smoking rollies? Now, have you ever also found that just before this "after-party" descended into weird, spacey cigarette burnt silence, you've spotted someone, or a couple of people, saying to the group "alright guys, we're going to head." Have you ever watched them slinking off into the night and the next day thought "I wish I was you, I wish I knew how to call it a night,"? Yet you never do. You never will. Some celestial FOMO from on high holds you in fusty living rooms well into the middle of the day. Desperately clinging to the charred skeleton of the night before, hoping in vain that simply spending more time with people will equate to more "good times." Confession: I have. This is me. I'm talking about what I do.

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Too often now have I found myself wringing the night like a flannel, trying to squeeze the last soapy suds out of it, only to find eventually that it's 2pm and I've got a megabus to catch in 45 minutes or something horrible like that. I sometimes question what it is that makes me find it so hard just to go the fuck home. The main reason, I think, is seeing friends. If you've got good friends, and they've got good chat, the time spent with them feels precious so the urge to sustain it long after its natural point of expiry can be fierce. There's that, then there's the cabin fever. Sometimes, once you've gone past a certain point, the scariest thought is leaving whatever house you are in and stepping out into the real (now sunlit) world. You'll have to get a bus home. You smell bad and your eyes looks weird and you're now going to have to get a bus with normal people. They're going to know. They know don't they? Look at them looking at you. You're gross.

That's why I've decided to put this guide together. I'm not saying I want to be tucked up in bed by 3 from now on. In fact, I think making the extended sessions further and fewer between makes them all the more special. All I am trying to do is engender a culture of restraint. Guiding you, and in the process myself, towards a more curated method of partying. Less is more people. Think about how good you'll feel if you go home at 4 every now and again, instead of still being up a day later in a kitchen ten miles away from where you live. Next time you're worried about ending up there, remember the following…

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*Oh and don't comment on this saying "valium" cos that just makes you the sort of dickhead who recommends valium to people on the internet, you dickhead.

STOP DRINKING/TAKING STUFF EARLIER IN THE NIGHT

Classic timing tip here. Often the reason you stay up so late is because you've been smashing it til about 5 minutes before close. If you leave the club still buzzing of your tits then you're not going to want to end the evening any time soon. Why not enjoy the soft landing while you're still out? Or, wilder still, don't treat drugs and alcohol like a pint of milk you need to get through before it goes off. Have enough to have a good time and…fuck I'm a PHSE teacher aren't I? That's what I've just become. Fuck.

GET A TAXI HOME

I know, at the time, a taxi is going to be £20 and this bloke lives literally round the corner and you can get some tinnies on the way. But look at it like this, if you go back to his you're probably going to spend at least £20 pitching in on a gram of something. Then there's the extra booze. Then there's the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach the day after when you remember you spent the entirety of your time in this poor guy's flat talking about Jonathan Franzen. Then there's the fact your sleeping pattern is totally fucked. £20 doesn't sound so bad now does it?

PICK THE RIGHT MUSIC

Okay, so you've ignored the first two pieces of advice and now your back at somebody's flat. This is okay. As I've previously stated, there's nothing wrong with getting a crack on, it's now just a case of keeping tabs on it so it doesn't go full dystopian on you. So much of what happens next depends on the music. For future reference, neither Dean Blunt nor Burial make good "chill" music. They only move to make the whole room seem like some sort of urban apocalypse scenario. Equally, don't storm in and slam on "Witch Doktor"—you're not in a club anymore. Aim for somewhere in between. Refer to the entire 1080p collection for some transitional beats, or just throw caution to the wind and go full yacht rock.

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DON'T CLOSE THE CURTAINS

You can lose days.

DRINK TEA

Yes I am recommending you drink a cup of tea. You don't want that lager. I can tell. You're not really drinking it. It's basically completely full. Think about a tea. That'd slip down perfectly wouldn't it? Do you want a blanket? That's right. Course you can sleep on the sofa mate. Yeah, we'll all go for breakfast in the morning. Ssssssh.

Photo first appeared here.

DON'T CALL YOUR DEALER

Clues in the title.

ASK YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS

Are these people actually my friends?
Would I actually spend time with them if I wasn't fucked?
Where are my friends?
I think I saw one of them leaving with a man in a big coat, but maybe that was somebody else.
Where am I?
What time is it?
How the fuck am I going to get home?
What have I got to do tomorrow?
Oh shit I've got to go to a Christening.

Photo first appeared here.

REPEAT THE FOLLOWING MANTRA

The night has ended and that's okay.
There will be other nights.
I really don't have that much money.
I will see these people again.
Even if I don't really want to.

GET A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND

Actually, you know what? Ignore all the above. You're probably only doing this because you're lonely. Who am I to lecture you? Back to yours then?

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