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10 Things That Will Definitely Happen This Year in Dance Music

We've whipped our mystic ball out to give you the lowdown on exactly what to expect in 2016.

Our new year's resolution was to get better at getting to the point so let's just get to that point and give you what you want, and what you want is a list of ten things that are definitely going to happen in dance music this year. If they don't then please give us a call on this day next year and we will apologise profusely. We won't need to do that, though, because these are all going to happen. All of them.

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CLUBS WILL GET BETTER

Well, they can't get worse can they! In all seriousness, though, you'd think that with clubs closing more often than Keith Floyd woke up with hangovers, that the clubbing community —THUMP included— would rally together to make sure that going out is definitely, actually more fun than sitting in with a six pack of warm bitter and a Storage Hunters UK marathon on Dave.

CLUBS WILL GET WORSE

Alternatively, things will continue to get shitter and shitter until the only clubs left are the ones in Leicester Square where you have to drink alcopops out of a bejewelled traffic cone while red trousered Jonty's talk REALLY LOUDLY about how good having money is. Those, and Liquid Envy in Nuneaton. Given that the world's only gotten worse every single year, in every single way, this, sadly, is a quite likely outcome. Enjoy Dance Tunnel while it lasts, yeah?

CALVIN HARRIS WILL BECOME THE RICHEST HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD

We can't remember if Calvin did anything of any note last year other than amass more and more money, earning the average person's salary every second of the day, every day of the week, every week of the month, every month of the year, presumably bathing in banknotes like a real life Scrooge McDuck, but we're confident that 2016 will see him knock Bill Gates and Carlos Slim aside, and in an act of hitherto unimaginable generosity, Harris will announce, from the rooftop of one of the fifteen casinos he now owns, that he is to provide everyone on earth with a basic wage. He will then immediately ascend to the heavens, only for the Pope to canonise him within minutes. Children the world round are taught to worship him, every nation on earth erects a 200ft statue of him in its capital city, and up there, in heaven, he's getting all the girls.

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RICARDO VILLALOBOS WILL RELEASE A NINE HOUR PERCUSSION TRACK

What's he like, eh!?

NEW GENRES WILL EMERGE…

Its 2016 lads, can you believe it? 2016. Two thousand and sixteen. AD. 2016 AD. We have made it to 2016. Just think about that for a second. Remember how excited you were when you woke up in the year 2000? Didn't that feel amazing? Wasn't this the future we were promised? It wasn't really, and all we've ended up with is more free porn and pints that cost over a fiver. Still, that was then, and this is now, and it's 2016 and we're all ready to get really into tropical aquacrunk and militant dub-electro and post-future-present-past-garage. Bring on the sounds of now!

…AND THEY'LL SOUND EXACTLY LIKE THE OLD ONES

Oh, it's still either house or techno or tech-house, isn't it? Great.

SKREAM WILL GET HIS TEETH FIXED

It has to happen at some point, right?

ROUTE 94 WILL GET A KNIGHTHOOD

Given that you've probably spent the last few days aimlessly wandering around your parents' house in a pair of battered jogging bottoms sustaining yourself on chocolate, cans of cola, and thinkpieces about how weird the period between Christmas and New Years is, you could be forgiven for not noticing until now that Goldie has been granted an MBE in this year's Honours list. Which is good for him, obviously. We reckon, though, come late, late, late 2016, the jungle pioneer and Eastenders legend will be trumped. That's right, the one and only Route 94 will bag himself a knighthood for services to the music industry and it'll be bloody well deserved and Sir Route 94 will take his rightful place as the most important figure in the history of British nightlife. Gorgon City will tweet him a "nice one mate buzzing for you #welldeserved" message, weeping onto their keyboard as they do so.

YOUR MUM WILL GET INTO BERGHAIN

She's talked about it for months now, but she's only gone and booked flights and a hotel. That's right, your mum, as in your literal mother, as in the woman who birthed and raised you, is going to go to Berlin and have a few beers and a schnitzel or two and wander round Hard Wax for an hour —coming out with "New Day" on 12", obviously— and then she's going to walk up to the door at Berghain and she's going to effortlessly get in and she's going to stay in there for 16 hours and she's going to see Ben Klock killing it and she's going to ring you after to tell you that she thinks "the vibe in the P-Bar is so much better, actually," and you aren't going to know what to do.

A DJ OR PRODUCER YOU THOUGHT WAS ALRIGHT WILL SAY SOMETHING SERIOUSLY PROBLEMATIC AND THEIR CAREER WILL JUSTIFIABLY BE OVER AND LITERALLY NO ONE WILL MOURN THEIR LOSS AND WE'LL FEEL GOOD FOR KICKING A TOTAL TOSSER OUT OF THE SCENE AND THEN THE SAME THING WILL HAPPEN A MONTH LATER

What do you reckon Ten Walls is doing right now? We've got a fiver on it being "sitting in a dark room, not moving, ever again".

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