The THUMP Guide to SoundCloud

You've just torrented Ableton 9 and you're five, maybe six days away from being Northern Ontario's answer to Flume. Time is of the essence and you need to claim that sweet, sweet SoundCloud profile before some an inferior producer beats you to it. This can be a difficult process, but we've broken it down step by step to take you from bedroom producer with headlice to an all-star DJ with headlining sets.

Setting Up

The first thing you need to do is decide on an artist name that is either: a. something that defines your sound and you as a person, b. random nouns, adjectives or verbs. If you want to remove some vowels from a word or replace an 'A' with a 'V', go right ahead. Honestly, it doesn't matter what you do; we live in a society that allows DVBBS, Laidback Luke, and Krewella to be household names so we clearly don't give a fuck anymore. Once you have a name, you'll need to pick a URL and unlike your name, this is important. The easier and more intuitive the better.

Here are some good examples:

http://soundcloud.com/yourartistname

http://soundcloud.com/yourartistnameCOUNTRY (UK/USA/CAN/AUS, it's all good)

http://soundcloud.com/your-artist-name

http://soundcloud.com/yourartistnameadverb (beats/music/sounds, etc)

And some bad examples:

http://soundcloud.com/user634596721

http://soundcloud.com/dopeassbeats666

http://soundcloud.com/yourartistname-randomnumber

http://soundcloud.com/pussy-eater-69 (actually, this one is okay)

In the About section, feel free to write anywhere between 0 and 50 or so words. Nobody reads this space anyway so feel free to write about yourself or simply include your favourite corn bread recipe. Your bio really doesn't matter, just please don't do this. It's also helpful to include at least your first name on your page. This helps your fans connect with you on a more personal level, and bloggers have to refer to you by your 26-character artist name every time they mention you in a post.

Inputting your location may seem like a difficult task, but we'll show you how to do it in three simple steps.

1. From home, open up a maps application.
2. Hit the 'Locate Me' button.
3. Write down the city that it tells you you're in, followed by the country.

Alternatively, your mother and father will also know what city you live in. If you consider this a viable option, at this point in life they likely won't be caught off guard. Including your general location is a great way to be included in geo-specific roundups, connect with artists or promoters, and let your soon-to-be groupie know where to jack you off behind the local Arby's. Locations we're sick of seeing include (but are not limited to): Planet Earth, Outer Space, Mars, School of Hard Knocks, 30,000ft, ????, and unknown.

After your actual music, your links section is the most important part of your SoundCloud. Bummed that your shitty Facebook page doesn't have enough links? Before begging your friends for support, make sure that you have the correct URL in this section. We understand that you've changed your DJ name five times in the past month, but trust us, it's worth the effort to have every platform you value (Instagram, Twitter, Neopets) in here. If you have a now-defunct .GIF blog on Tumblr, go ahead and leave that out.

Photos and Cover Art

Your artist photos and cover photos are a great way to define your brand, characterize yourself, and showcase talented photographers or graphic artists. A landscape iPhone photo of yourself in front of a wall will do, if you want to spend the minimum amount of time and money on this. If you have no photos at all, people's first thought will be, "When did Quasimodo start making deep house and why won't he come out of his tower?" A lot of people believe there are significant barriers to press photos, so here are a few common problems and their simple solutions.

Problem: I have no money and no friends. I asked a woman in Target to take a photo of me, but my body odour repelled her.
Solution: Take a selfie in front of a white wall and VSCOCam the shit out of it.

Problem: I'm ugly.
Solution: Look down. This makes you seem pensive and thoughtful.

Problem: I'm self-conscious.
Solution: And yet you aspire to DJ in front of thousands of people?

Problem: I can't decide what to wear in my press photo OR I have no nice clothes.
Solution: White tee, jeans, and any shoe. Next?

Problem: I don't know how.
Solution: What?

Cover art can be a bit more annoying if you're putting out songs frequently, but you don't need to shell out your hard-earned DJ fee to have a designer make them all from scratch. You can simply add text to a template, high-resolution texture, random photo of a beach/hot chick, or picture of your favourite burger (may we suggest the Angry Wopper) if you really want to get cover art with minimal effort. Here are some examples that we made:

Uploading Tracks

Does your track name include the words "Original Mix," "Snippet," "Preview," "Low Bitrate," or "Work In Progress"? Delete that bullshit. Unless it says otherwise, it's assumed that it's an original mix. As for the others, you must be a miserable failure or a Beatport producer sent from 2010 to bring hard-hitting, heavy electro back to upload incomplete tracks. With the exception of album/EP teasers, people won't settle for anything less than a 320kbps stream of a full-length song.

Commenting

If you comment on an artist's track and ask them to collaborate, they will 100% do it, pick up a few 8-balls, and also get you laid—oh wait, sorry. Never mind, that's the exact opposite of what will happen. DO NOT DO THIS.

This concludes our definitive guide to SoundCloud. Stay tuned for more helpful consumer advice on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Neopets.

Does anyone read these? - @bluuuuueeeeeee