Five Easy Steps to Becoming the Next EDM Superstar

Say goodbye to playing VirtualDJ in your bedroom and say hello to playing pre-recorded sets for six figures.

|
May 12 2014, 9:00pm

Ever wanted to stand in front of a crowd and hear thousands of fans chant your name? How about all the money, fame, drugs, and girls you could dream of? Well, that and more could be yours when you become the next superstar DJ. Sounds tough, but now, thanks to the wonders of technology—and a fat wallet—any kid with a computer can crack the Beatport Top 100. Check out our easy step-by-step guide below to get started on your trip to the top. Say goodbye to playing VirtualDJ in your bedroom and say hello to playing pre-recorded sets for six figures in exotic locations.

1. Creating Hit Music Is As Easy As $123
There are many roads travelled on the journey to become a world-class DJ. You could spend hundreds of hours painstakingly learning the ins and outs of a Digital Audio Workstation (DAW), and then hundreds more working on that perfect track. Or, you could just skip all that and purchase pre-made song templates, like the ones offered at Abletunes. For only $29, you can buy Magic and sound exactly like Martin Garrix. We're talking big room synths, festival-ready breakdowns, and a powerful bass line so outrageous the whole crowd will suffer from collective apoplexy.

Oh, you were looking for something a little bit harder? Well, trap is all the rage among the People of PLUR; let's try that out instead.

Distorted 808 kick? Check. Face-melting drop? Double check. With Hype, you'll be running the trap in no time at all!

If this all sounds a little shady, don't worry; all the projects are royalty free. Worried about plagiarism? You can use the site's template customization service—they will rework all the melodies and ensure that your song is original and unique. Take that copyright laws!

2. Ghost Producers
This isn't a new concept; un-credited musicians have been helping established acts since before there were records to spin. It is, however, mainstream EDM's dirty little secret. Some of the biggest—and we mean biggest names in the industry are releasing songs in which the big name had little to no input. Sounds like something from a bad Milli Vanilli song, right? Guess again. Check out some awe-inspiring quotes from industry bigwigs down below for more proof.

Nicky Romero: "There are rich dads in this world that just pay for their songs and pay producers tons of money to have music out there and make them a big artist. There are a lot of DJs that do that… They don't even know how to make their music. They don't even know how to start the software. That's not right."

MAKJ: "Nothing is worse than looking up to someone in the music industry as a producer and artist to find out they didn't even make those records… Ghost producing needs to STOP! Fake it till you make it has gone way to far."

Maceo Plex: "There are other people that just have the money to buy the tracks, and that's kind of a virus in the industry right now that we've got to get rid of. If you think that a lot of these big commercial people make their own music, you're living on another fucking planet!"

Hardwell: "If you're not producing your own tracks then just be honest. Say 'you know what, I'm a good DJ but I can't produce my own songs, I got help,' I think that's fair. Because honestly, you can hear it, because every single track sounds totally different. Everybody in the scene knows who works with ghost-producers."

That could be you, the number one DJ in the world—shit talking. Or should I say, the soon-to-be former number one? You're only a few short steps away from a high-paying club residency and a lifetime of bottle service.

3. Promo Pictures
If your shit isn't air-glossed and pretty, the kids aren't buying it. Seriously. How many ugly producers do you see in the Beatport Top 100? Sex, for lack of a better word, sells. Make sure you throw on a hoodie and sunglasses—chicks dig the mysterious badass type. Also try and get one of your unemployed graphic design buddies to make you a hype logo. You can throw that puppy on a dollar store t-shirt and sell it for $40.

4. Buy Your Fans
Okay, so you now have some "original" music. You also have a sexy profile pic and a moderately badass looking logo. What you need now are fans. People respect numbers, and the big three to go after are Facebook Likes, Twitter Followers, and SoundCloud Fans. The good thing is, even if the music you just paid for sucks, it doesn't matter. What matters are how many fans you can get to like your shitty music! How do you get people to notice you amidst a sea of wannabes and pretenders? Perhaps you haven't been paying attention. MONEY!

Facebook Likes looking low? $1200 buys you 50k here. Less than $300 gets you 25,000 Followers on Twitter. SoundCloudViral, the "Number one supplier of SoundCloud Plays, Followers, Likes and Reposts online," completed over 15,000 orders in 2013. Want 10,000 plays on a new song? Only $44.99. How about 1000 new followers? $29.99. Maybe you need 50 comments on your new song? Grab 50 of them for $18.89.

5. PROFIT!!
Congratulations, you are now a superstar DJ. Your every release is met with commercial success and critical acclaim. Girls line up to throw themselves at you. Your "live" performances land you six figures a night. Speaking of performances, now that you've made it into the big leagues, make sure to jump around on stage and repeatedly get on the mic to ask the crowd, "are you having fun?" Throw in a few heart-shaped hand signs and a bevy of champagne showers for extra effect. People love that shit.

With great success comes great numbers of haters, so you can expect to be despised by a bunch of nerds on the Internet. Mind over matter, baby; they don't mind, and you don't matter. Tocadisco, long rumored to be a ghost-producer for David Guetta, summed it up nicely: "Nobody cares if it's your track or other people's track as long as the party is good." It's hard to argue with that over the sounds of a thumping kick drum and thunderous applause.

You can follow Jesse on Twitter: @jesse_champagne