Life is about perspective. What to one person is a horrible, stinking, festering basement is to somebody else the best nightclub in the world. One person's caviar is another's fish jizz. Yet while we cling to these standpoints for dear life, hopelessly convincing ourselves that they are truisms in the face of opposition, they are completely fluid. Our concepts of reality are, well, just that: concepts. They are malleable and changeable in a seconds. Life is just one big optical illusion.
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Which is why, when you think about it, Coldplay might actually, probably, be the greatest dance act of all time. I know what you're thinking, "Coldplay, Oxfam-soundtracking Coldplay, olive green T Shirt wearing Coldplay, Christian youth group leaders Coldplay, consciously uncoupled Coldplay, cry-wanking Coldplay are the greatest dance act of all time? Pull the other one mate." Well firstly, I'm not your mate, and secondly, I've put a good 20 minutes worth of thought into this and I'm pretty much definitely sure they are. Yes, obviously figures like Virgo Four or Underworld or Jeff Mills have all played their part, but their time was then. This is now, and now, Coldplay are the greatest dance act of all time. Don't believe me? Let's consider the evidence…
They Love Neon Paint and Bright Colours
Coldplay have recently developed a fascination with neon paint and bright colours. This new aesthetic, that combines Graffiti Bridge era Prince with Spielberg's 1991 film Hook, is a cornerstone of modern rave culture. The glowstick hasn't been this central to clubbing since the heady days of Hadouken.Scorching synths? Check. Tight rushing hi-hats and a pounding kick? Check. Dystopian imagery? Check. Inspirational techno at its very best.Um, hi? Their new album (out today by the way) is literally called Head Full of Dreams and the final track on that album is called "Up&Up". But it isn't just the new stuff, Coldplay have been singing about smashing speed for years. "High Speed" on Parachutes is named after the stuff, as is "Speed of Sound" on X&Y, oh and I think we all know what caused that Rush of Blood to the Head. It's probably a safe estimation that much of their records are in fact about bombing round Panorama Bar with a baggie and crusty key.Listen, and I mean really listen, and I think you'll agree that "Paradise" is basically a Deep Medi release. Nasty murky bass, ethereal strings, and a floor-shaking drop you can feel in the pit of your stomach. Mala Xyloto, mate.
"Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" is Actually a Pounding Techno Track
Loads of Their Music is, Actually, About Taking Speed
"Paradise" is Actually, When You Think About it, Dubstep
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They've Worked With Avicii!
Giorgio Moroder Has Remixed Them!
Excuse me? They've also worked with disco legend Giorgio Moroder—the man who basically invented many of the strains of modern dance music you're probably getting all precious about defending right now. Also, getting a Moroder cosign is no mean feat! I mean, look at his recent track record: Britney Spears, Charli XCX, and Foxes!Come on! It's that classic Chicago sound again! Frankie who? The only "knuckles" I'm interested in are mine, clenched up, pumping my fist high into the air to this house anthem!If I was to ask you to name a British act that have sampled Kraftwerk, the chances are you wouldn't say Coldplay. But then again, you're the sort of person who is still struggling to understand that Coldplay are actually, when you think about it, the greatest dance act of all time.Pretty close to resting my case, but I'll continue regardless.
"Sky Full of Stars" is a House Anthem!
They Sample Industrial Music and Krautrock
The Cover of Ghost Stories is Actually, Very Similar to the Cover of Floorplan's Paradise
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Glitch/IDM: Rainy Day
They Have a Residency at Glastonbury
"Life in Technicolor" is a Balearic Classic
This Remix of Yellow
Chris Martin is Burial
Mind…blown.Follow Angus on Twitter.