Chabuddy G's Tips For Pulling In a Nightclub

London's second most popular pirate radio station 'Kurupt FM' hit TV screens again last week with the start of series two of People Just Do Nothing.To celebrate their return, we reached out to the squad's close business associate Chabuddy G AKA The Mayor of Hounslow AKA The Rig Doctor AKA The Real Jeremy Clarkson AKA Alan Brown Sugar, to get some straight up tips on how best to to pull when you are next in the club. Bear in mind, guides to picking up girls can easily go wrong, so we thought it only safe to entrust our chirpse game to the original Off-White Bruce Forsyth.

MAKE SURE YOU SMELL GOOD

One of the advantages of a nightclub is that you can use the darkness to make yourself more mysterious and sexy. Stay in the shadows and go for ladies who are much better looking than you. If you smell good then that is the first step towards going home with them. The first part of them that you penetrate will always be the nostril. I recommend wearing Sean Paul Gaultier perfume, which is available to buy at my Worldwide Internet Cabin Café at a very negotiable price.

WEAR THE RIGHT OUTFIT

I like boots with a good heel so that they make me taller and also create a dramatic, powerful sound when I walk. For the nightclub environment the main things to think about are your shirt – how many buttons you want to have open (I recommend minimum half of them undone), and your jewellery. I can't stress this enough guys, wear as much jewellery as possible. Jewellery equals money. Show them how successful you are. In the darkness of a club you can get away with even very poor replica gold.

MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION

Remember you only have one chance to make a good impression. I normally hold my crotch in discomfort and then (loudly) say "Ahh sometimes I think it's too big… a blessing and a curse…" and then I slide in with the classic "Hi the names Chabuddy G, The G stands for G spot". Obviously this is tailor made for me so you might want to try and think of your own one. Maybe give yourself a cheeky nickname or mention the fact that you have an ISA account.

TELL THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR

Nightclubs are the perfect place for empty promises and exaggerated tales about how many businesses adventures you have. When you're shouting into a woman's ear there's no point wasting your words. They want to know two things, that you're successful and that you're available. Go in straight away with something along the lines of "I MADE FORTY K LAST YEAR AND DIDN'T EVEN PAY ANY TAXES. AND YES, IM SINGLE, FULLY STD FREE…" Something along those lines. Should work pretty much every time.

BE THE OWNER OF A NIGHTCLUB

If you have your own club, you're basically Tony Soprano. Guarantee them free entry if they guarantee YOU free entry! Women are attracted to guys with money and power so make sure they know it's your nightclub. Introduce yourself constantly as the owner of the place. This can also work for people who don't have nightclubs as long as you are a good liar and can avoid being aggressively thrown out and barred. There's a few places in Hounslow where I'm no longer welcome.

NEGGING

Now I know this technique has been around for some time but people have been doing it wrong. I have invented a new called 7 down 1 up. You viciously insult the lady seven times and then give her one compliment and then hand over your phone number. Like this:

"Hi there, Your eyes are too close together, your lips looks like fish lips, you look like your bra smells, I can see your nose hairs when you laugh, you look like a clown with all that make up, you haven't got the legs to wear skirts, your breath smells like pot noodle and hash. BUT I like your shoes, give me a call"

Never fails.

ALWAYS LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE

Try walking away mid-conversation and just disappearing off, it'll drive the ladies crazy! Playing hard to get is something that I know, from experience, works really well. I've been with my wife Aldona for 6 years now and we've only ever had clothes sex, no entry. This has kept our relationship fresh, sexy, frustrating and mysterious. I literally have no idea what she looks like naked, so I always have something to work towards. She's like a sexy carrot on a string and I am a horny rabbit chasing after her. I love it.

You can catch People Just Do Nothing on Wednesdays at 10pm on BBC3.

Chabuddy G is on Twitter.