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The THUMP Guide to Sneaking Drugs into the Club

Ten foolproof ways to get your narcotics into the night unnoticed.

Now, obviously, you don't need to take drugs to enjoy a club. I mean, you obviously do, but you sort of have to say you don't in case people who don't like taking drugs get all high and mighty about how many drugs they've not taken. The thing about drugs is that you have to buy drugs to take drugs and sometimes you don't want to buy drugs in a dark room surrounded by strangers. You want to buy drugs from the back seat of someone's car and then take them into a dark room. Here's our advice on how to the the latter like a pro.

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1) DO A JOEY TRIBIANI

Remember Friends?

Remember that episode of Friends where the gang craft a foreskin for Joey? And he goes to an audition and the foreskin falls off? Make a fake foreskin. A really roomy, baggy foreskin, a foreskin formidable enough to encase a few pills, a baggie of MDMA and a pack of Rizzla. Or get your friends to make you a massive fake foreskin. Either works.

2) MAKE A MULE OUT OF A FRIEND

You've probably got a mate who you don't really like. You probably wouldn't mind if they got kicked out of a club and sent you a really upset and angry text which you didn't open for three weeks. Give them the drugs. Let them carry them in. Pay them with beers earlier in the evening. Easy.

3) DON'T BOTHER

Drugs are for losers, man! Are you a loser? No? Yes? No? Fuck it, actually, go and buy some drugs, just to make sure you aren't one.

4) TAKE THEM ALL IN THE LINE

Via Flickr.

This is really easy, solid, good advice. Like wearing a condom. Or quitting smoking. Or never listening to bands after the age of 19.

5) JUST BUY THEM INSIDE

Nightclubs are literally the easiest place on earth to buy drugs. There is nowhere easier to walk up to someone, say, "hello I would like some drugs and I have the money to pay for the drugs" and swap your cash for their drugs. Why bother trying to sneak them inside? That's like rearing a cow, learning how to humanely slaughter and butcher that cow, before cooking the composite parts of that cow while living next door to McDonalds.

6) BRIBE THE BOUNCERS

Sly $20 should do it—although, that's probably about as much as the drugs cost you in the first place. That said you can save a bit of money if you do your homework, find out what the bouncer's tipple is, and treat them to a bottle of something instead!

7) A BRIEFCASE

Via Wikipedia.

Nothing says "nothing to see here" quite like a leather attache briefcase. It's professional, classy and unlikely to arouse suspicion.

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8) FLY 'EM IN WITH A DRONE!

Drones are everywhere these days. Everyone from the US government to Amazon is using them. The great thing about drones is just how subtle they are. Pop your drugs into a little package on the underbelly, sit in the chicken shop opposite the club, and simply fly your stash in and over the bouncer's head. Enter the club 5 minutes later and your drugs will be waiting for you inside!

9) FASHION A PULLEY SYSTEM USING FROM SOME NYLON ROPE, TWO STEEL COGS AND A PLASTIC BUCKET. ANGLE THE MECHANISM OUT OF A BATHROOM WINDOW, WINCH THE LOAD THROUGH THE PASSAGE AND HAVE A TRUSTED FRIEND ON THE OTHER SIDE READY TO RECEIVE THEM.

This one's a laugh! Especially if you're a bit tipsy!

10) BE A DJ

Photo via Flickr user Valerie Everett.

That was easy wasn't it?

Josh is on Twitter and so is Angus