Five Dance Acts Who Could Totally Replace The Foo Fighters At Glastonbury

As everyone knows, Dave Grohl is the nicest man in rock, so an on-stage leg break couldn't have happened to a worse person because if anyone deserves their leg defiantly staying unbroken on stage it's Dave Grohl, the nicest man in rock. Dave Grohl, his leg broken, his pride bruised, his treasured nice-guy status intact, has had to pull himself and his band of anonymously merry men out of a headlining slot at Glastonbury, which must have been a painful thing to do as the nicest man in rock. Because the nicest guy in rock never wants to let his fans down. Alas, it's "just not physically possible" to play the festival, Dave told the world, presumably with tears rolling into his saddened beard.

The Foo's unfortunate exit leaves a key slot that's yet to be filled. Over the course of the day you'll see the usual names reeled out as possible replacements: Blur, Elbow, The Strange Death of Liberal England, Jimmy Carr. Those are all fine, but yo, Michael Eavis, didn't you get the memo? Guitar music's dead, mate, and everyone's back into dance music now. Ask Emily; she probably spent yesterday binging on that 1080p Bandcamp drop before tuning into Rushmore b2b DJ Taye on Radar and getting herself psyched for the next Bonus Stage party at the Ace Hotel.

Given that there's always been a dance element to Glastonbury's sound — and to a good 90% of guitar-toting acts who've ever played — and that dance acts headline every night of the Other stage, why not see the Foo's unintentional exit as the chance to get the unwashed hordes dancing on a Friday night? Here's who THUMP would put forward for that all important headline slot. Oh, and as it stands, not a single betting company have any odds on offer for a dance act. So we've come up with our own.

THE PRODIGY

PROS: A Glastonbury headline slot isn't something you can just fill in, like the hole that remains on your bedroom wall after you've torn down that Dave Grohl print. It has to be done perfectly because most of us only really remember the headliners. So, why not book a band who know how to get a few hundred thousand pissed office workers and part-time hippies going wild? Unfortunately, Chumbawumba have a gig in Hebden Bridge that night, but The Prodigy are available.

CONS: There's a serious fire risk.

THUMP ODDS: They've recently had a number one album, they've got a track out with hip young gunslingers Sleaford Mods — it's their time to shine.

CALVIN HARRIS

PROS: Harris is now the highest earning DJ in the world so obviously he must be the best DJ in the world too, because the DJ who earns the most has to be the best because you'd only pay the best DJ in the world the most money in the world, right? That's just a fact, so if the Eavi (plural for Eavis) want to get everyone losing their junk in a field at 10pm on a Friday, they better reach deep into the pockets of their Barbours and stump up the cash.

CONS: He costs more money than the UAE.

THUMP ODDS: Let's get a Kickstarter going this morning and we might be in luck guys!

SKRILLEX

PROS: When Skrillex plays anywhere he inspires complete crowd carnage like no other artist. We might be referring to the Foos as "real rock", but really, can any of them claim to churn up a pit in the same way as Sonny Moore? Plus he's pretty much constantly working with high profile artists, so the special guests he wheeled out could be anyone from Bieber, Diplo, Giorgio Moroder, and Wacka Flocka Flame.

CONS: This song would seep further into my consciousness and I would eventually begin hearing it in my sleep, until the point where I wouldn't know if it was even playing anymore or whether it was permanently ingrained into my psyche.

THUMP ODDS: He's got the following, but are the pious Glastonbury crowd (who flipped out at Kanye) ready for something even more divisive?

DISCLOSURE

PROS: The Lawrence brothers are surely ready to headline a festival. They have taken on massive appearances at Coachella, Lollapalooza, Sasquatch, and even headlined the West Holts stage at Glastonbury last year to a colossal crowd. If you needed any more proof they can handle themselves at a festival, consider that this month they actually organised one. Plus, brass tax here, regardless of how arsey you want to get about their pop-tinged house, they make huge festival tunes.

CONS: Well, they only have one album as it stands, with Caracal not released until September. It even took Arctic Monkeys two albums to get to the Pyramid stage.

THUMP ODDS: Maybe not this year, but give it a couple of years and who knows?!

SCOOTER

PROS: It's Scooter :)

ODDS: It's Scooter :(

THUMP ODDS: We've got more chance of the THUMP DJs getting the nod, but imagine how good this would be. Just imagine HP Baxxxter on that stage, howling into the void, those infernal kickdrums hammering away louder than god, nosebleed pop-gabber-happy-hardcore hammering long into the night, the whole country shouting THE QUESTION IS…WHAT! IS! THE QUESTION in unison like the depraved beasts we so long to be. Fuck every other act who's ever played the festival ever and been lauded as the "best Glasto performance ever", fuck Jay Z, fuck Stevie Wonder, fuck Beyonce, fuck Pulp, fuck em all — this is Scooter's for the taking.

Best of luck to all the acts involved.*

*COME ON SCOOTER!