Grindah and Beats' Guide to House Parties

London's second most popular pirate radio station 'Kurupt FM' hit TV screens again this month with the start of series two of People Just Do Nothing. To celebrate their return we reached out to the station's heads Beats and Grindah for their take on party culture, and music, in the UK. Last week the Mayor of Hounslow, Chabuddy G, brought us his tips for pulling in a nightclub. We wanted a similar level of game-changing advice from these two, so with that in mind, we are very excited to present, Beats and Grindah's Guide to House Parties.

Grindah: First thing to say is that house parties are called house parties because they're at someone's house. They are not an excuse to start playing house music.
Beats: Or any other rubbish music for that matter.
Grindah: If you're not happy with the music when you enter the party then the best thing to do is to instantly lock it off and replace it with garage. It might stop everyone dancing for a few minutes or whatever but later on people will be silently grateful.

Grindah: If it's fancy dress then it's very important to not go at all. You're not seven years old. Plus those parties people see it as an excuse to get even more weird.
Beats: The last thing I want on a Friday night is to end up watching some brear dressed up as Indiana Jones doing shots with a skeleton.
Grindah: What fancy dress theme is that?
Beats: I dunno. Films. The skeleton is from, erm, Shaun Of the Dead.
Grindah: So it's a zombie, not a skeleton.
Beats: Yeah, sorry. He must be.

Grindah: Almost everyone at house parties are complete freaks. It's not worth the risk of chatting to someone cos they will probably just end up being some gurning mess that will latch onto you for the rest of your life and never leave you alone.
Beats: We met at a house party though…?
Grindah: Yeah… but you were different cos you kept saying I was a sick MC so I could tell you had something about you.
Beats: Yeah you said I was safe cos I had decks and you needed someone with decks.
Grindah: Exactly. You were an investment.

Grindah: Obviously a lot of you lot are gonna be going there trying to get girls. The best way to attract girls at house parties is to just sit in a corner with a screwface. Act like they don't exist and they will like you more.
Beats: Absence makes the heart grow stronger… And then later on you chat to them when they're least expecting it.
Grindah: Nope. Never talk to them. Just ignore them the whole night.
Beats: Is it? So then how do you get them to come back to yours?
Grindah: That's the point. You don't. You don't need to.
Beats: Ah, that's proper clever actually. Power play. My technique was always just find the most butters girl in the party and chat to her all night until she eventually let me do a ting with her.
Grindah: Yeah, I remember you met a girl back in the day who looked like a pirate.
Beats: I sobered up when we were on the way back to mine and I realised I didn't really like her so I just sprinted off.

Grindah: If you're hungry, help yourself to the house party freezer. If someone's been trustful enough to let you in their house it basically means you're free to help yourself to anything.
Beats: Yeah, although it can go wrong. Remember that geezer went all weird cos we'd made a full spread of pizza, chicken dipper, burgers and chips from his freezer…?
Grindah: He chucked us out. Bang out of order cos if anything we were being unselfish and feeding everyone else not just ourselves.
Beats: Anyway, joke was on him in the end cos we nicked a couple of baked bean tins that we polished off on the way home.
Grindah: Mine had mini sausages in as well.
Beats: Karma.

Beats: Steves once went to my mate's house party and tripped out so hard that they had to lock him in the bathroom. When they eventually opened the door he was in the bath fully clothed saying that he needed to wash away the evil voices.
Grindah: Always pace yourself. If you start to feel like you might have had too much then the best thing to do is have a load of shots so that you're sick and then everything gets reset.
Beats: Circle of life.

Catch People Just Do Nothing on Wednesdays at 10pm on BBC Three.

Follow Beats and Grindah on Twitter.