How to Dance in Nightclubs, According to WikiHow
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How to Dance in Nightclubs, According to WikiHow

An illustrated guide to throwing shapes by the internet's most reliable crowd source encyclopedia.

WikiHow has got all the answers. Whether you want to dress up as a little kid on Halloween, or understand how best to conduct yourself in a goth nightclub, the crowd-sourced behavioral encyclopedia has got you covered. We've already spent a good deal of time considering WikiHow's advice on picking up girls in a nightclub, and it proved so fruitful we've come back for more.

You know the feeling: you're in the club, and the music coursing through your veins like liquid anticipation. Dry ice, plumes of cigarette smoke, and flecks of Old Spice are mingling in the air and curling up your nostrils. You want to move, to dance across the floor, manifesting the pounding music in physical form, only your muscles are tense, your brow furrowed, and instead you stand watching everybody else, one clammy hand clinging to a plastic cup.

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These days are over. WikiHow have not one, but a great number of illustrated guides on exactly how to dance in a nightclub. How to release the trapped Travolta within you and spread your going-out wings into the night. Given the number of guides on WikiHow, consider below an accumulative run down of them all, the best suggestions from a number of lists. This is how to dance in a nightclub. According to WikiHow.

PART 2: MAKING AN IMPRESSION

Give yourself a hearty big up on the back. You've made it all the way to the dance floor. You're completely prepped, you're dressed to impressed, and now all that is left to conquer are the moves themselves. What say you WikiHow?

"If you are with a group of friends, then let them encircle you so that you don't feel self-conscious about being watched by strangers." Alternatively, if being watched by strangers is a concern, consider not arriving at a night club dressed as an Australian youth worker having a nervous breakdown.

Once the protective circle has been formed, raise your hands into the middle in order to create a protective shell. Then, with the nest of bags temporarily secured, send one member of the group out to scavenge for straws, napkins, or promotional posters lying around the club that can be used to manufacture a makeshift roof for the handbag shelter.

It's your mum in a gospel choir, it's school musical, it's Cliff Richard arena tour…it's the step clap. A simple, elegant move, guaranteed to say "hey, I might look too old to be here, but I can move like a four year old."

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Right, so hands above the head, arms moving in a large circle through the air, the turn my legs 90 degrees every time I circle the arms, but keep my inside foot still. What? I'm trying that now and I look like a ferret's just crawled inside a scarecrow.

PART 4: GETTING SOMEONE TO DANCE WITH YOU

So now you look sick, and people have started to notice. You might even be in with a chance of dancing with somebody else. The question now is approaching potential partners respectfully, but not shying away from showing your interest. Consent is a prickly issue, but we imagine the community at WikiHow will be more than delicate in their approach.

As the perky Pinocchio-meets-Bear Grylls fucker in this guide is demonstrating, apparently once you've selected your partner, the best move is to make like a shark in shit-flickers and stealthily plant yourselves behind them. You fairly threatening Lothario, you.

If she or she interested, you may find your crotches drawn inexorably towards each others, like great fleshly magnets.

Read that bullet-point. If you are a man, there is a recommendation to wear a fedora in order to help you focus on the person you are dancing with. Other options include wearing skis to stop you walking off with someone else, or biting down hard on a cricket ball to avoid making conversation with the wrong person.

PART 5: ADVANCING INTO THE GRINDING PHASE

Okay, so now you are officially the sickest dancer in the club. You've even made like a badly dated Beach Boys lyric and got your best girl by your side. Nobody can get enough of you. But hold on! What if that crazy hot chick, or mad cute guy, wantS to grind with you? How are you going to do that? Look no further.

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That's right, you slinky devil. You've snuck up behind her successfully and now, if she's into it, you can put your hands on her waist and start swivelling around in a figure of eight motion. This is getting sexy. Is this going where I think it's going?

You're facing each other. This is it. The heat between you is sensational. There's no denying it. It's worked, the hours on WikiHow, taping yourself dancing, picking out the perfect outfit, throwing your handbag into the middle of a protective circle—it's all paid off. You've dreamt of what is about to happen. The moments before kill you in anticipation but you hang in them in with heavy expectation. Finally. The time is right. You're both ready. You take a deep breath and…

Ah! And there it is! The fruits of your labours and the culmination of any good night dancing in the club. A big old fashioned grind chain, snaking off into the distance as far as the eye can see. Oh, what a night! What a time to be alive!

It really is that easy.

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