1) Gaz from Geordie Shore is telling a complete stranger about the size of his penis.2) A single shoe lies on the floor of the ladies toilet. It remains there, unclaimed, all night long.3) An incredibly youthful looking 18 year old boy is stared at all evening by astonished punters who are convinced that he's underage. As the night goes on, he finds himself assailed by drug addled strangers who demand to know his real age. The boy never goes clubbing again, so scared is he by the experience of 39 year old IT analysts slurring in his ear.
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4) Jackmaster's here and he's having a great time!5) A PE teacher whips a whistle out of his pocket and gives it a good hard blow and causes absolute pandemonium. The club's evacuated and the PE teacher tries to run from the bouncers but trips over the whistle's string and breaks his leg in two. Gaz from Geordie Shore sends a bunch of flowers by way of sympathy.6) Your boyfriend's at the bar and a bigger bloke's stood next to him and he knows that the bigger bloke's going to get served before he does because bigger blokes always do, so he looks round at you as if to gesture that the drink buying might take longer than expected because this big lumbering twat's wedged himself into the barman's line of vision, and for some reason your boyfriend also makes a wanker sign aimed at the bigger bloke's lower back.7) Your boyfriend's wanker sign brushes the bigger bloke's back. The bigger bloke turns round. The bigger bloke sees the still held wanker sign.8) Your boyfriend becomes rigid with fear. He's completely stiff and he's going pale and he feels the hot and beery breath of the bigger bloke getting closer and closer to his face.9) Your boyfriend faints.10) Your boyfriend's not your boyfriend any more. Gaz from Geordie Shore approaches you.
11) Gaz from Geordie Shore is telling another stranger about just how big his penis is.12) Someone's come straight from the office and is now necking WKDs whilst wearing a short sleeved shirt and a tie. While he feels incredibly self-conscious to begin with, he's since decided—after his fifth drink—to own it. He's twirling his tie around his head, he's wearing it like a belt, he's doing all sorts. Even Gaz from Geordie Shore has a quick go with the tie. "It's longer than this, ladies," he snorts.
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13) A man is trying to find a really funny tweet he recently saw so he can show a woman he's just met a really funny tweet he recently saw even though she's shown absolutely no desire to see this really funny tweet. He cannot retrieve the tweet and instead tells her that he's seen Gaz from Geordie Shore in the toilets and can confirm that it's a "whopper."14) There's a kerfuffle in the queue as a woman is found trying to sneak two BBQ chicken wings into the club via her purse. A bouncer eats the woman's wings, very slowly and deliberately, and he does so with his mouth wide open, and his lips start to glisten with brown sludge and they smack together and he's sucking the bone dry just as Gaz from Geordie Shore walks by. Gaz says, "I've got something you can…" before thinking better of it. He's impressed by his own self-reproach, and vows to start afresh. "I'm a changed man," he shouts, to the crowd's excitement.15) In the space of five minutes Gaz from Geordie Shore has told four different people about the size of his penis.
16) The son of a former footballer's pouring champagne over the open mouths of four of his closest mates and someone's taking photos and they're all making loads of noise and it looks like the most bacchanalian thing that's ever happened and you're looking at them like they're gods and you start to feel a strange sadness creeping over you and you go outside to get some fresh air but you're confronted by the pale blue cloud of noxious smoke that clings to clubs like ivy on brick, and your breathing becomes erratic and you start swallowing your own sick and some drips from your mouth and lands on your shoes, your smart shoes, the smart shoes you wore especially to get into this club, and a bouncer quietly takes you by the arm and wordlessly leads you out onto the high street and now you're there, mayonnaise on your chin, watching the footballer's son and his mates bound into a stretch Hummer. You knock on the window. "Boys," you say, "boys, please, let me be you. Let me. Just for a night. Let me. Please."
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17) The son of a former footballer's pouring champagne over the open mouths of four of his closest mates, painfully unaware that they all think he's a cunt. Gaz from Geordie Shore is overheard proclaiming that the lads are "fucking mint."18) The son of a former footballer accidentally makes eye contact with you as the last of the champagne runs onto the floor. He looks alarmed and childish and more unsure of himself than anyone in the history of the world has ever done. You watch him crumble. You watch him vanish.19) The son of a former footballer's pouring champagne over the open mouths of four of his closest mates as "Timber" plays. At that moment, only he understands the meaning of true happiness.20) The son of a former footballer's pouring champagne over the open mouths of four of his closest mates and it's a fucking great laugh mate now but later that evening, all five of them, separately, and silently, weep in the men's toilets.
21) Gaz from Geordie Shore is looking at his own penis in the mirror repeatedly shouting "THE SIZE OF IT! THE SIZE OF IT!" to no one in particular.22) A 32 year old man in a backwards baseball cap is making disparaging remarks about someone else's appearance.23) A very, very, very fat man dances which is both unexpected and absolutely hilarious and an important reminder that you've got to be who you want to be in this world. In that moment, the very, very, very fat man is giving you life.24) The fat man's dancing rapidly becomes quite tiresome.25) Everyone stops watching the very, very, very fat man dancing and Gaz from Geordie Shore senses that it's finally his time to shine.Josh is on Twitter