Some of our American colleagues have been having an unbearably good time at Coachella this past weekend. They've seen sets from Axwell /\ Ingrosso, Carl Craig, Jamie XX and Todd Terje, watched Madonna perform rudimentary CPR on Drake, and one of our writers even inspired a viral pants-down for the worst T-Shirt of all time. For us, on the other hand, the closest we've got to a Californian sunset this weekend have been a couple of unseasonably warm April afternoons spent drinking Stellas on that broken deck chair with the weird brown stain on it.
There is a silver lining though. While Coachella might seem like a sun-kissed utopia populated by every musician you've ever loved, it's beyond the budget of many Americans let alone anyone wanting to travel from the UK. This reality was put into pretty crushingly blatant terms by the release of some recent data by the Guardian, revealing Coachella to be the most expensive festival you could possibly go to. The study, collated by money site No.1 Currency, compares the world's biggest festivals in terms of the average spend on the ticket, accommodation, food, and drink.
This is where your money goes at Coachella.
Coachella's daily rate works out at £187, which across the three day weekend comes out at £561. Imagine having that money in your pocket - the possibilities are endless. With that in mind, and a bit like a quit-smoking calculator that tells you how many cinema tickets you could buy now you've given up your filthy habit, we've composed our own breakdown of how you could (and definitely should) spend the money you would otherwise splurge on Coachella.53 copies of "Looking" by Nicholas AKA the greatest house record of the millennium. Includes postage and packaging.Half of one of Pioneer's super snazzy XDJ-1000s. You'd be a few hundred short and would still need to hit up Wonga for another deck and a mixer and speakers and cables and USB sticks, but hey, you can always plug into a laptop and pull a Peter Hook and drop someone else's mix. Stardom awaits.
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22 of the new Strictly Rhythm t-shirts so you can go out every Friday for just under half the year in a fresh tee that lets everyone in the club know you've just heard "Deep Inside" for the first time.This Peugeot 106 with an inbuilt cassette player. You'll have enough cash left over to blow on a shit-tonne of old rave tapes from Discogs and carboot sales, and just enough for a full tank of petrol. Who needs the never-ending sun of LA when you can bomb round Nuneaton listening to Tony De Vit live at Chuff Chuff in 1995?
Snazzy lights and a hangover or a sweet new ride? Tough call. Not.
Two weeks rent in a flat that used to be the Hacienda. That's right: for the price of a weekend at a festival where the most exciting thing that happened was people kissing, you could spend two WHOLE weeks in a flat above a club that used to be jumping back in the day. 24 hour party people? More like 336 hour party people!3 pairs of the Sennheiser HD25-1 Closed-Back Headphones. These headphones are considered one of the best pairs a DJ could possibly have when it comes to mixing. Even if you can't mix, with sound isolation this good you could listen to D&B at your nan's funeral.430 pairs of those glowstick glasses. That's right. You can look like the life and soul of the party 430 times.280.5 portions of cheesy chips, based on an average cost of £2 per portion. Just think, instead of going to Coachella you could enjoy a portion of cheesy chips every weekend for five years. You'd never get sick of them. Ever.
Imagine being surrounded by these people. Imagine spending that much money to be near people like this.
Two ultra-rare Daft Punk action figures. You could pick these two Discovery-era bad boys up for £490 and have an extra £70 left to enjoy. This leftover should then cover the days you have to take off work in order to question why the fuck you spent nearly five hundred quid on some plastic toys.72.86 copies of Pat St Clements autobiography "The End of an Earring". "In January 2012, one of EastEnders' longest-serving and best-loved characters breathed her last when Pat Butcher succumbed to cancer. Her departure from the show gave actress Pam St Clement time to reflect, not only on almost 26 years playing a role that she loved, but also on her whole life."Follow Josh and Angus on Twitter for more shrewd financial advice.
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