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A Letter Home to Mom and Dad from the Dirtybird Campout

"This camp counselor named Kill Frenzy was really nice, but all of his songs were about inappropriate touching!"

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thanks for sending me to the Dirtybird Campout last weekend. It was soooo much fun. This is the first time they ever did it and everyone from Dirtybird was there: Christian Martin, Worthy, Ardalan, Justin Jay, Will Clarke, Claude VonStroke, Justin Martin and J. Phlip. Even Breach and that guy called Mikey Lion who lives down the road and sometimes comes over to give you those stinky mushrooms for your special sauce was there! He let me wear his funny hat.

These people called The Do LaB who looked like aliens and smelled like nature helped them make it all pretty. There was a treehouse and a lake and a slip 'n' slide but I didn't go to that on account of my asthma. All of the DJs played this bouncy music from a wooden cabin and so many people were there! And I learned a new word! It's called "vibes." People told me there were a lot of them.

There were so many different kinds of people dancing to the music! There was a guy with a floppy wiener wearing underwear and a leather harness like the one dad keeps under the bed, and there was a guy in a turkey suit who had really fast legs, and everyone from burners to bros were on the dancefloor together and were smiling and happy.

One weird thing was that this camp counselor with a beard named Kill Frenzy with a funny accent was really nice during the day, but when he got on the stage at night, all of his songs were about inappropriate touching. I think I liked it. I also learned a new way to play Simon Says but there are lots of bad words in it.

When Route 94 took Route 95 by mistake and got lost and had to cancel, a guy named Danny Daze came alllll the way from Miami and played instead. He was my favorite DJ of the whole weekend and he even played what these kids who dressed in all black and looked kind of sad called "techno." It made me happy but I didn't see them smile.

During the day, I went on a boat and there was a talent show and there was a real snake and tie-dye shirts. Some kids told me they were playing regretamine dodgeball, and they were really bad and slow and kept falling over and laughing.

Camp counselor Justin really likes pizza. I told him he was going to get high cholesterol like dad but he just laughed at me and then ate more pizza. I think you should talk to his mom.

Mom, have you heard of jungle music? Camp Counselor Claude played some, and Genghis Clan played some, and the Martin Brothers played some too when they played together for the first time in, like, forever. When it happened, people started dancing all fast and their faces looked like they had smelled something bad. It was confusing, but fun!

Mom, I think I like a girl. I tried to ask Counselor J.Phlip if she wanted to play spin the bottle with me, but she called me a creeper and then told me to ask Kill Frenzy if he wanted to play with me instead. He did!

At night, we watched fun kids movies like The Shining and Mad Max on a projector. I haven't been able to sleep since! Rivers of blood, mom...Rivers...of...blood.

On Saturday night, it started to rain and didn't stop until the morning. It was muddy and wet when a guy named EPROM played music that sounded broken and then Claude VonStroke's evil twin named Barclay played a set of 5AM West Coast bass and everybody went silly.

Camp Counselor Claude did more activities than anybody. Someone told me that he was so happy that he cried, but not a sad cry like you do when Dad goes to the store for a month, it was a happy cry! I don't know. Adults are complicated!

At the end of the weekend, all of the Camp Counselors were on stage and did a big, crazy back-to-back set. It was like everyone was a family! And even though it rained, the whole weekend was such a fun time. Do I have to come home? Will you and Dad promise to stop fighting? Will grandma ever come back from sleeping in the ground?

Lots of Love,

'Lil Jimmy

Photos via Juliana Bernstein, Amanda McHugh, Watchara Phomicinda, and Wobsarazzi.