The THUMP Guide to Sliding Into a DJ's DMs

The year is 2016 and it seems as though no one meets someone at the club for the very first time anymore. Chances are that you've already seen that girl posting cute selfies on Instagram, lurked that guy in the bucket hat's Soundcloud or seen that person on Tinder with the weird bio. And in a world that lives, breathes, eats and dates online, you've got to update your moves. Once upon a time, hitting on a DJ was as simple as requesting a song that doesn't want to make them pull their hair out, then handing them your number… or so I'm assuming. I've never actually hit on a DJ in person. Now, as we live in a society that comes closer everyday to the apocalypse but also a world that has great internet speed, everything has changed.

When I think about my 20s and how I intend to spend these halcyon years, I want it to be a hazy memory of fun nights with my friends, incredible achievements and sleeping with countless celebrities. We may not share the exact vision for the future but if you're looking to bang some DJs, I have a few tips that have definitely worked.

And before you attempt to use these moves on your crush, let's get something straight, we're here to talk about sliding into a DJ's DMs, ok?

The fact of the matter is, everyone is vain and no matter how famous you are, how many mentions you get or how many photos you are tagged in, even celebrities notice a few. Try tagging Baba Stiltz in your Instagram thirst trap or changing your name to "Calvin_Harris_Msg_Me_69". I can't personally attest to catching the aforementioned producer's eyes but this method works. I tweeted at Jimmy Edgar once about how his opinion on KTZ was completely wrong, we exchanged words a few months later when he played at Berghain. Once I changed my name to 'X's number #1 fan'. 'X' is a dj DJ I can't mention the name of but what I can tell you is this: it got me AAA passes over 3 years, the locations of many secret parties, and an overnight stay in a New York Hotel.

Worth a shot.

Whether you have a long or short game in mind, becoming their friend is always just a nice way to see if you're into them for their body, mind or vinyl collection. Instead of telling them you're their biggest fan ever, ask them some questions about their favourite band (information you have gGoogle to thank for) or mention something you have in common. Actually, this step is kind of bullshit. Move on and only do what I tell you next…

I did a really unprofessional yet fruitful thing once. I was at work, writing a press release for a drum n bass night, which was pretty mind numbing work. I was copying and pasting press photos and bios together when I came across a DJ who evoked a very knowing twang in my loins. Instantly it became clear to me that I had to meet him and I wasn't taking any chances – I refused to orchestrate a 'bump in' and I certainly wasn't going to a drum n bass night. Despite being sober, despite it being the middle of the day and despite common decency I went to his Facebook fan page and sent the following message:

I have to say, I don't remember it being so forward, nor do I remember thinking through the words "I think I'm in love with you". Thinking about it, if I got a message like that in my inbox, I would swiftly block and delete. But what followed was a polite response, asking if I'd like to get drinks when he was in the country. I ended up meeting with an even-better-looking-in-real-life English DJ. For some reason he was into me, bought me drinks all night and then asked me to walk him back to his hotel because he forgot where it was. We spoke about how he secretly hates making drum n bass, which he demanded I never tell a soul, Jon Hopkins and I attempted to explain how the Kardashians are subversive, which didn't pan out so great. He mumbled how he'd never met a girl like me before, and I thought of how I had met 50 of him. I woke up the next day, took an uncomfortably long time to locate my thigh high boots, kissed him goodbye and said "probably see you never hey."

I've had my fair share of DM stints, but they're not for the faint hearted or the marrying type. I wish your keyboards and DJ endeavours well.Follow Kish Lal on Twitter.