An Open Letter to Tomorrowland's 32-Minute Aftermovie

Aftermovies have always been a tough nut to do properly. They all follow the same formula, they're all boring, and they all focus on people I'd rather not relate to. Tomorrowland, however, has come up with a solution that the porn industry became fixated on long ago: reduce quality and add length. Unfortunately for would-be watchers, nobody young enough to live through a full viewing of the aftermovie has been born yet.

This cinematic epic clocks in at 32 minutes long and would have Peter Jackson crying "Come on, guys… that's just too much!" If I didn't give 29 minutes to KONY 2012 for a film about child soldiers, why would I give even more time to a film about child ravers? It begs disbelief that somehow, nobody at any point took a step back and looked at the horror they had birthed into the world. This aftermovie is the PT Cruiser Convertible of festival film. This is the Cecelia Gimenez of revitalizing greatness. This is the deep dish pizza of an otherwise excellent institution. It's so long I had to use RunPee to find out when to take a washroom break, and when I sat down on the toilet I just stayed there and wept. When I watch an aftermovie, I would like to go into it with the knowledge that I'll have the mental fortitude to spell "aftermovie" at the end of it. This is not the case today.

How many hours were lost to the cold abyss of time in order to make this movie? How many bottles of water needed to be overpriced to fund this Goliath and what do I need to do to bring it down? How many gigabytes of storage laid down their lives to make room for your raw footage? How many hurricane relief dollars were flushed down the drain? How much can one man endure?

Your product is already good, Tomorrowland, you don't need this. Since 2005, you've brought music fans to an inconspicuous little Belgian hamlet each year to enjoy the best that the scene has to offer. Every July, the town swells from 16,000 inhabitants to 180,000 ravers and that's unbelievable.

Ziad Ramley is on Twitter: @bluuuuueeeeeee

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