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Music

The THUMP Guide to Dressing Like a DJ

From the UKG wavey garmer to the post-dubstep nerd, this is 2016's essential look-book.
All these outfits can be purchased on the internet.

It's getting easier and easier to DJ. All you really need now is a relative willing to blap just over a hundred quid on your birthday present and you've got yourself a tiny pair of plastic decks to match those similarly tiny ambitions of playing vaporwave at a gallery opening. Only, just because it is getting easier to DJ, doesn't mean it's getting easier to be a DJ. It isn't just about standing behind the decks, reading the room and playing great music, no. It's mostly about the way you look. Do you think DJ Harvey got where he is today because of his peerless selection? No! It's because he looks like if Jesus smoked cigarettes. Reckon Calvin Harris would be as big as he is now if he didn't wander around in his briefs? No! He wouldn't, of course he wouldn't you idiot, stop asking!

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So, if you really want to be a DJ, you have to know how to dress like one. Luckily we've got your back. This look-book will carry you through 2016 effortlessly, securing you high-profile sets, and even more high-profile looks when you strut your stuff in the club, player.

1. The Tech House DJ Who's Really Excited About Maybe Playing with Jamie Jones in May if Things Go Well

To really nail this look you've got to basically dress like someone who goes to Hot Creations nights in 2016 and actively hopes that Jamie and his Paradise crew will be playing on the main stage at every festival they're 'proper up for' this summer. Think: ASOS-purchased, vaguely Aztec looking prints on washed out pastel t-shirts. Think: a chain hanging around your neck with a cluster of wooden beads on the end and some plastic sunglasses. Think: basic jeans and a chunky leather belt with an ornate buckle. Think: second year uni-student with a Topman voucher burning a hole in his pocket. Paradise, as styled by Primark.

2. The Drum and Bass DJ Who Also Runs and Promotes His Own Night Which He Never Stops Talking About on Facebook

Relentless T Shirt, No-Fear cap. The rank smell of failure.

3. The Billionaire EDM Super-DJ Who Earns Approximately £500,000 a Night

You've got more money than God, but you can't get past that "collar-less leather jacket and plain white t shirt" wall. Sometimes, when the feeling's right, you wear a few leather bracelets.

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4. The UK Garage Loving Wavey Garmer

Ah mate yeah garage man that's the fucking good shit innit mate fucking right yeah all the old school business is what I'm about love all the old gear too mate you know how it goes Moschino and all that yeah yeah my mum pays my rent for me too yeah the new Supreme Matalan collab is fucking banging mate innit fucking too right mate.

5. The Miscellaneous Old White European Bloke You've Never Heard of but is Inexplicably in the DJ Mag Top 100

You are wearing quite a big chunky watch, a bead necklace, black jeans, Timberland boots, a green army cap, and I've never heard of you. Not once. Apparently you're really popular? Apparently you've released stuff on Adam Beyer's label? Apparently you're headlining a festival in Bucharest? Apparently you are one of the greatest DJs in the entire known world.

6. The Psytrance DJ Who in Three Months Will Have Shaved His Dreads off and Moved to Ipswich for a Managerial Role in Co-Op's Head Office

You're the guy or girl who puts as much time into practicing poi as you do mixing. Your t shirt says "NAMASTE" but your eyes say "I am supported by a reliable financial cushion." I don't want to talk about what your teeth are saying.

7. The Bloghouse Revivalist

This guy or girl used to have a lot of sex in 2008. They're ready to have a lot of sex again in 2016. They will not have sex once in 2016.

8. The Grime Hipster With a Weekly Mix Series

Breaking away from the endless glut of Topshop, H&M and Urban Outfitters instore sets playing deep house to fourteen year-old sale shoppers, her sanctuary is Soundcloud. She comes straight from the catwalk, mixing high-end, expensive streetwear with high-end couture that's impossible to put on. Her music policy runs from Skepta, Stormzy, JME et al, to vogue edits of Skepta, Stormzy, JME et al, stopping her essential mixes only to scream "IT'S LIT" or Instagram a picture from that business trip in Paris that she went on (with family about 3 months ago).

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9. The Bloke Down The Wanky Pub Near Your Flat Who Plays Vinyl Only Balearic Sets to Terrible, Terrible Couples Who Silently Eat Triple Cooked Rosemary Chips and Drink Two Cocktails Before They Have a Quiet, but Serious, Row About How She Never Supports Him With Anything and Only Thinks About Her-fucking-Self Because She's a Fundamentally Selfish Person

This guy's one cool customer alright, with his artfully tousled hair and his beaten up leather jacket and the really, really tight vintage t-shirt that advertises a now abandoned seafood restaurant in Santa Monica that sold OK scampi and had a cheeky slogan—"The Shrimp Pit: She Tastes Better Than She Smells"—and the worn out cowboy boots. What a dude. What a really cool guy. What a really cool, chilled out dude from Godlaming this guy is.

10. The Second Year Art School Student Who Bought into PC Music Way Too Much

You know those rain covers you get on pushchairs? The ones that stop babies getting wet when they're out with their parents? This millennial man or woman wears a coat made of that. And a pink, fluffy rucksack that looks like a Monsters INC character was fucked by a briefcase. Bleach your hair, stick on some cyber-punk-style Doc Martens, and you're there. Basically, you want to look like one of those inflatable arms chairs you used to get from pound shops, with a feather boa. In six month's time you'll have shaved your head and will be really into Oi bands and unironically watching old episodes of Top Gear, back when Tiff Needell and Quentin Wilson ruled the roost, eating nothing but tinned breakfasts', but for now, you're the shiniest star getting on the overground at Hoxton.

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11. The Clean-Living Post-Dubstep Nerd

You dress like a geography teacher on an inset day, you have to wear glasses to read your CDJs, and it's not unusual to see you eating a banana behind the decks. Most of your clothes look like you've grabbed them in your local Oxfam while you were digging around for rare bits of wax, BUT that doesn't matter. You don't care because you've got more jungle white labels than Discogs baby. It's Four Tet-fashion, Caribou-chic, Ben YSL.

12. The Deep House DJ Who Looks Like a Glamour Model but Only Seems to Exist in Press Shots Accompanying Tropical House Uploads on Youtube

Crucial to this look, is not being an actual person. It's a look that says, "I've been put together by some greasy booking agent." All you need is the body of an FHM cover star, a cleavage hugging crop-top, some short denim shorts and a pair of air max. Complete the look by straightening your hair until it looks like glossy spaghetti, coating your face in make-up, draping the headphone cable saucily around your wrist, and finally never actually existing anywhere other than the wet dreams of a dweeby dorm-room Disclosure fan.

13. The Bloke You Remember Seeing Last Year When He Was Playing Jazzy Deep House Nights and Trying to Be Moodymann But He's Now DJing Jersey Club and Bmore and Looking Really Uncomfortable Doing It Because Those Songs Were All About Good Vibes and These Ones Are About Sex and You're Pretty Sure the Last Time He Had Sex Was When He Was an Electroclash Revival DJ

We get that fashion is all about pushing boundaries and experimenting with perceived notions of social acceptability and pursuing the noble ideals of aesthetics over function, but fuck me, lads, honestly, dressing like a character from Dragon Ball Z who got into DJ Deeon last year isn't as nice as putting on a comfortable pair of chinos, a sensible shirt, and cableknit jumper. Your mum's not happy with having to wash all that dri-fit nonsense either, by the way. How do I know? Well, funny story, actually, I was out in the club wearing a comfortable pair of chinos, a sensible shirt, and cableknit jumper and…

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14. The Anime-Con After-Party DJ

A pulsating set of tentacles that spurt fake-cum into the crowd might seem like a good idea but do you have any idea how hard it is to get hold of the stuff? You've got to buy a bulk load of methylcellulose and as far as we know, Makro don't stock that yet. Sure you can mix eggs, water, cornstarch, yoghurt and salt (to taste), but c'mon, that's never going to look that great, and everyone here is only here because you're the DJ who jizzes all over the crowd. Take it seriously.

15. The Big Room Techno DJ

Deep neck black t shirt. The end.

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