Photo via Dance Yourself Clean
If you're reading this, you survived 2016—which means that you deserve to celebrate your existence in these surreal times the world is living in. Even if you're not the NYE type, I hope you have an enabler in your life who who will drag you out of the house and throw together your look in the Uber en route to the party. Who wants to end up being a lonely homebody tapping through everyone else's drunken Insta stories anyway? NO FOMO 2017.To make sure you don't end up somewhere lame (which would defeat the purpose of celebrating and totally tarnish your brand), we made you a cheat sheet of the best New Year's Eve parties happening in LA this year. From massive outdoor festivals to 24-hour warehouse raves, pseudo-boat parties to 80s club nights—it's all in this flowchart. Now you can spend less time chatting with your boost group about which party fits your ideal NYE vibe, and more time coming up with your New Year's resolutions (recycling the same fitness goals you've been making for 5+ years, promising yourself to stop texting your ex, etc).Whether you choose to ring in 2017 with the drop of a ball, the clank of a champagne flute, a sweet midnight kiss, or breaking out into a tribal dance sequence to open up a portal into another dimension, we certainly hope it's magnificent!1. COUNTDOWNLocation: NOS Events Center, San BernardinoHeadliners: The Chainsmokers, RL Grime, Zedd, Alesso, Diplo, Anna LunoeFor the true ravers brave enough to trek to San Bernadino, this two-night Insomniac fest is sure to be a shitshow in the best way. Just be careful that Mad Decent fuccboi is legal before you collect.2. MINIMAL EFFORTLocation: Downtown Los AngelesHeadliners: Recondite, Simian Mobile Disco and moreThis techno and house festival smack dab in the middle of Downtown is perfect for a fireworks lightshow so you don't have to ask a raver to give you one—although I'm sure they'd be down if you did. The event is labeled as "underground," but you should still buy table service to flex on 2016.1. TOGETHER AS ONELocation: Union NightclubHeadliners: DJ Sneak, Doc Martin, Felix Da HousecatThis festival's 15th annual edition comes with five dance areas to get down on, and a "midnight multimedia countdown," which I hope means there's a cool Snap filter.2. SPACE EXPLORERLocation: Union NightclubHeadliners: Doc Martin, DJ Sneak, Blakkat, G-DubbSublevel and Sacred Grounds' 12-hour underground house festival is one of two outer space-themed parties happening at Union, so make sure you come dressed in an astronaut costume so you have access to both.
1. PROHIBITIONLocation: Union StationHeadliners: Autograf, Justin Ward, DJ Cherry BeachUnion Station transforms into a super high production, roaring 20s-themed party for you to get all white girl wasted in. There'll be theatrical burlesque, live jazz ensembles, and a 60-foot midnight ball drop. Put on your best can-can dance during Autograf.2. ROARING 20s NYELocation: The FondaHeadliner: DJ AviUnlike the Prohibition party at Union, you'll be hearing hip-hop, R&B and Top 40s here. Fit the theme by sharing a cigar with a couple flapper dancers in the rooftop casino, do it for the content.GIORGIO'S 3RD ANNUAL BLACK AND WHITE MASQUERADE BALLLocation: The Standard, West HollywoodHeadliners: DJ Adam XIIThe type of NYE party you go to just to tweet "PULL UP TO STANDARD WEHO IMMEDIATELY ESCORTED IN THRU THE KITCHEN TO GIORGIO'S SERVED 72 BOTTLES OF DOM WEARING A VENETIAN MASK LIKE BEEN."ALL HANDS ON DECK: DTLA BOAT PARTYLocation: Downtown Los AngelesHeadliners: Hoodboi, Jasmine Solano, Lil TexasA boat party that's not actually on a boat (lmao who did this), with a lineup of some SoundCloud DJs all your friends have hooked up with. Get wavvy to bass beats, club sounds, and tropical rhythms.NYE 2017Location: Lincoln SpeakeasyHeadliners: Special Surprise Guest (Crosstown Rebels/Get Physical), Ricoshei, Lonely Boy, MaherasAn intimate, upscale afterhours for rich Burners to sip champagne, eat hors d'oeuvres, and talk about their next idea for an app.
WHITE NOISELocation: RSVP for addressHeadliners: Shigeto and Lord RayaNoise Revolt and White Cube Society come together for this 12-hour indoor/outdoor event focused on experimental sounds with comedy acts, an open mic, and interactive art installations. Basically for anyone looking to hook up with a fire dancer.
Photo via Get RealGET REAL: GREEN VELVET & CLAUDE VONSTROKELocation: Factory 93Headliners: Get Real (Green Velvet & Claude Vonstroke)Get Real with four extended hours of house from the masters. REAL HOUSE HEADS KNOW.SUNRISE SERVICELocation: RSVP for addressHeadliners: Emmitt & The Good Feels, Honeycut & Crissy Joice, Aller Muet (Awol Erizku, Bradley Soileau, Gianni Lee)Eat up at "the last supper" served up by CulinaryFlow, then confess all your 2016 sins at "midnight mass." Expect Fairfax fuccbois wearing their Sunday best.LIGHTS DOWN LOW NYE 24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLELocation: RSVP for addressHeadliners: Jimmy Edgar, Jacques Greene, Bwana, Project PabloFor the party marathoners out there, dance heavyweights Lights Down Low enlist a massive lineup of 16+ DJs to bring the party vibes for 24 hours straight. Take a disco nap or two for your health.
LET THE FUTURE REWRITE THE PASTLocation: The Standard, Downtown Los AngelesHeadliners: Breakbot and Irfane, Lisbona SistersBetween eating your fill at the Disco Dining Club, catching some burlesque from Tease, If You Please, and dancing to Breakbot and Irfane singing "Baby I'm Yours" on the rooftop, we're sure you'll find the daddy (or two) you were looking for.Location: The RegentHeadliners: Mysterious D, Shyboy, Airsun, Fox BrigadeHit the dancefloor with all your fave mashups from the year, then fall in love with a go-go boy. Aerial performances and a balloon drop add to all the fun; just be prepared to leave drenched in sweat.FLAMING MANLocation: Lot 613Headliners: DJ Harvey and Bears in SpaceUnleash your inner Disco Queen underneath a giant disco ball. Get funky, freaky, and loose!BOUNCY CASTLELocation: The LashHeadliners: Heaven Pegasus, Katie Rex, Friend X, Kid Orange, WillYouAreNot, XultarExpect goth babes covered in leather and glitter, stalking around in YRU platforms. Also pics by Rony's Photobooth that you'll regret in the morning.
1. FUNKMOSPHERELocation: ResidentHeadliners: DaM-FunK, Laroj, Billy Goods, Randy Watson, Matt Respect, Eddy FunksterLA's longest running 80's-inspired funk, boogie, electro, disco, and future soul party brings its casual and cool sound to Resident, with a champagne toast at midnight. You'll be feelin' yourself.2. A DREAM DISCOLocation: The Theatre at Ace HotelHeadliners: Blue Hawaii, Infamous Boogieman, Sebastian Cowan, Cooper Sever, Sage Caswell, Jen FerrerClassy dinner and dance party with DJs spinning disco, funk, soul, and boogie. All the confetti you can eat.3. KIDNAP KID & MOONBOOTSLocation: SoundHeadliners: Kidnap Kid and MoonbootsThere'll be magic under the disco balls at Sound with some fine disco and boogie in the air.1. CANDI POP DANCE PARTYLocation: The SatelliteHeadliners: Lights & Music DJsBubblegum pop hits all night long. Be prepared to sing all your fave Britney, Backstreet Boys, and *NSYNC.2. CLUB 90sLocation: Los GlobosHeadliners: DJs Jeffrey, Jason, and Bruce Perdew90s and early 2000s upstairs, old school hip-hop and R&B downstairs. Get ready to get nostalgic.1. R&B ONLYLocation: The EchoHeadliners: Supreme The DJA coast-to-coast NYE event in Los Angeles and DC. Stay for the R&B superstar performance.2. LIL UZI VERT / ROY WOOD$Location: The NovoHeadliners: Lil Uzi Vert and Roy Wood$Ham on Everything crowd does NYE. First you'll be seduced by the sultry sounds of OVO breakout star Roy Woods, then you'll go ape shit to Lil Uzi Vert on Bad and Boujee.3. BOOG!E'S HOUSE PARTYLocation: The ReserveHeadliners: MC Boog!e, La Femme DJHip-Hop and Top 40 all night long for the upscale crowd that likes to get rachet. Just please do not hang from the chandeliers.1. BAUHAUSLocation: Monty BarHeadliners: Daniel Ash and Kevin Haskins (Bauhaus DJ set)Escape the NYE hullabaloo and hear your favorite post punk at this very rare DJ set from Bauhaus.2. NOIRE'S EVE 3Location: ComplexHeadliners: Franck H-Bomb, Black Eyed, Dark Crystal, Nowhere GirlAn NYE dark music extravaganza. Hear dark electronics, industrial, goth, 80's new wave, ethereal, and everything in between.DANCE YOURSELF CLEANLocation: Teragram BallroomHeadliners: Special GuestsDance Yourself Clean all the way into 2017!RUSE X VAYU SOUND: DIVERSIONLocation: RSVP for addressHeadliners: Reeko, Progression, Subversive, Template b2b Lindsey Herbert, Sean VenkersammyYour underground techno paradise awaits at Diversion.MARCUS SCHULTZLocation: Avalon HollywoodHeadliners: Markus SchulzTrance, trance, and more trance. Markus Schulz from open to close.DUKE DUMONTLocation: ExchangeHeadliner: Duke DumontExpect deep house and UK bass cuts during this special extended set from the UK powerhouse.Jazper Abellera is a yung Renaissance man based in LA and live-tweeting to the fullest. Follow him on Twitter.
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