Why Do DJs Love Sex (Sounds) So Much?

It happens out of nowhere. You could be standing next to a subwoofer or just on your morning commute. One minute you're grooving to some phat bassline, starting to wiggle a little bit, when the boom-bap suddenly bursts into nasty, disgusting sex sounds. Not just clips of heavy breathing, but fully-fledged moaning, groaning, and grunting (maybe even a "fuck me, daddy!" if you're extra unlucky). An orgy in the middle of your eardrums is funny the first time, and then it just sucks. It's a shame that so many producers—even the respectable ones—try to pull this shit off, like they get trophies for making literal "bangers" or something.

I have two theories about this phenomenon. First: women are still over-sexualized in this male-dominated industry. Female vocals are almost always breathy and dripping with lust, and every other album cover is an anonymous babe wearing headphones and sticking her tits out. It sucks.

Second: DJs want to be the masters of everything—including pussy. They're a bunch of control freaks and this includes but is not limited to regulating peoples' moods with music. Inserting meat slap noises into a track is a DJ's clumsy attempt at subliminal messaging: "You want to have sex to this. This is the sexy-time soundtrack you're looking for." It's about as subtle as sticking a dildo in your ear.

Let's have look at some of the most egregious examples of attempted ear sex:

1. Todd Terry "Jumpin"

Shitting on your elders is bad form, and a legend like Todd Terry deserves nothing but respect. Which is why it's particularly awful when he undercuts the tremendous pulse of this 1994 track at 2:45 to let a girl bust nuts all over it, declare "I need a cigarette" in her breathiest tone, and then giggle like it's cute that she just ruined (ruined!!) an otherwise textbook example of classic '90s house.

2. Deadmau5 & Melleefresh "Cocktail Queen"

Ah, Deadmau5. A few years ago, I couldn't shut up about how you were "changing the game" by making progressive house with the kind of technical precision that made other producers bawk (this statement was typically accopmanied by the sight of my eyes rolling into my forehead). Then you won an MTV award and thanked David Guetta, started a stupid feud with Madonna, jumped on the dubstep bandwagon (you even admitted it) and revealed to the world what an ass-hat you always have been.

So I'm putting this vapid "banger" back where it belongs: at the slimy bottom of Ultra's reject pile, right next to all the raver bros—and you.

3. Carl Cox "French Kiss"

This song is the equivalent of taking your genitals out and waving them at the audience: it's monotonous and totally lacking in subtlety. Everything leading up to 2:22 is basically filler for when some French centerfold starts finger-blasting herself—which, in itself is just a rip-off of Lil' Louis' Chicago house classic, "French Kiss" (the track that started this whole mess in the first place). I have no explanation for this.

4. Aphrodite "Heat Haze"

"Drum and bass isn't so bad. You should listen to it more, mate…" is what every Brit cokehead raver will tell you if you let them. To be fair, this track by champion junglist Aphrodite is one of the few dancefloor cuts to tastefully sample sexy sounds, and to surprisingly pleasant effect. Rather than taking over the song, our girl's moans glide smoothly over a frenetic bassline. It actually works.

5. DJ Asa "Hardstyle Sex"

Do you know what hardstyle is? It's what Dutch teenagers listen to while cleaning the festival mud and meth shards out of their furry green boots. This is a hardstyle song that features some German girl getting pounded. It's totally great if you want an instant flashback to the worst sex of your life.

6. Aphex Twin "Windowlicker"

Like almost everyone on this planet, I have my nose stuck far up Aphex Twin's butthole. Can't help it. He's a genius. His magnum opus, "Windowlicker," is nine minutes and thirty seconds of out-of-this-world brilliance. I was recently made aware of the fact that if you listen closely when the melody kicks in, you can hear a couple quietly boning in the background.

It starts at the five-minute mark, right when a pimped-out Aphex Twin lets loose on his Michael Jackson dance. You'll hear a squeaky moan and then a dusty grunt, followed by a chorus of sighs and groans spun seamlessly into the melody. At 6:21, the sounds of people making whoopie are unmistakable. But Aphex Twin gets away with it, because of course.

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