Crookers and I Went Hunting for Weirdos on Holy Ship

As I'm sure you've gathered by now, Holy Ship is a world unto itself, a floating world where the weird and wonderful are par for the course. Being on that ship is like acting out the plot to Waterworld, except with a lot more nip-slips. I can't compare it to the real world, because on that boat, there is no such thing as the real world—there's just a place you go to for 362 days a year to horde brain cells and line them up for systematic destruction.

In electronic music, when you think weird and wonderful, there's one man who immediately springs to mind: Phra of Crookers. While the rest of the DJs preferred to hide in their cabins railing lines and talking about their investment strategies, Phra was more than eager to wander around and soak in the milieu of life aboard Holy Ship. I hauled his Italian ass around to see what kind of weirdos we could unearth, then I took shitty iPhone photos and made him describe—in his own semi-functional English—what he liked about them.

THREE FILIPINO MASSEUSES DRESSED LIKE LEMONS

"I like lemons and so I really like these girls. They're doing massage, which is like a super, extra plus."

THE VERY RARE RED PANDA

"The Red Panda is like an extinction animal. He's trying to be extinct in a minute—drinking like a crazy guy. This is definitely a cool dress, to be on a ship in Miami in 35 degrees [celsius] heat, and humidity 99%. He's fucking crazy but also a little bit sexy. [

Fun fact: Homeboy is Crookers' MC Casey Lucas -ed.

]

FRENCH PEOPLE

"I love French people because they smoke like Bob Marley. Finish."

CAPTAIN FUCCBOI

"This guy was at my show yesterday in Washington, DC. It's pretty crazy how little is the world, huh? He is a bad acid trip and a badass. I'm pretty sure this guy is going to have a lot of fun on this trip."
 
SUPER SEXY BEARD CHEST

"I can call you Super Sexy Beard Chest." At this point Phra and Super Sexy Beard Chest introduce themselves. We all share a nicety and walk away. Then someone tells the guy that his new friend is Crookers and we can hear him screaming in excitement as we walk out onto the deck. DINOSAUR FUCKING GUY

"Is that his dick? Dinosaur man… It looks like he's fucking a dinosaur from behind, which I pretty much love—which is the reason why we're here."

THE ITALIAN

"Like everybody working here on the boat, he is Italian—one of the best communities in the world. Italy is the shit, a bomb. Italy kicks everybody's ass. No way you can fuck us." [Translated from Italian -ed.] BEAST WOMAN

"So basically, this girl is comfortable with her body hair. She don't want to cut it. I don't know if it's a religious thing or not, but I think she is amazing. She said it was because of Breach's "Jack" video, which is one of my favorite songs of last year."

THE AMERICAN BUTTERFLY

"This is The American Butterfly. He has a very bad smelling flip flop—I don't even know what is that. He's a weird guy, but he's not so weird. I was talking to him and he is like an engineer or something. He is just hiding the fact that he's a really serious guy, and boring, by doing the crazy guy. He looks like what drugs feel like. He looks nice. Not sexy, but really nice. I would like to sit on a restaurant with him and understand him."

THE FRUIT BASKET

"I would like to squash them and drink it."