The THUMP Guide to Surviving Boat Raves

All photos courtesy of Sydney Jones and Jiani Lu.

Sinbad the Sailor, Horatio Hornblower, Christopher Columbus, Captain Hook. Fictional or real, all maritime navigators pale in comparisson to you, intrepid boat ravers. Over the past couple of years, festivals like Holy Ship, Groove Cruise, and the fast-approaching Mad Decent Boat Party have become the novelty-du-jour of festival culture. Generations from now, archaeologists will uncover your Facebook photos and finally realize that you brave few were the first pioneers to forego solid ground and take the pursuits of picking up girls, not dancing, and spending too much on wifi into international waters.

For many of you, this will be your first boat rave. For others, this will be the latest in a (hopefully long) string of nautical dance events. Whether you still wear swimming arm bands or have an unparalleled backstroke, let this guide serve as your compass through rough waters.

Are you and your significant other on the rocks? Are you hoping that being intoxicated, in close quarters, and around scantily-clad members of the opposite sex will revitalize your relationship? Great thinking! Other potential first mates include: your best friend with the low alcohol tolerance, your friend that gets lost easily, and your friend that can't say no.

Since you'll undoubtedly have a room party or be too drunk to close your cabin door behind you, all of your belongings will get stolen. This makes choosing what to (not) bring a breeze. When you're trying decide between wearing your Omega or your Casio, try crudely drawing a sundial on your wrist with a Sharpie instead. If you want to bring a trendy five-panel hat to protect your brow from harmful UV rays, pick a cheap one up from Urban Outfitters and slap a SUPREME sticker on the front.

Most people will be too drunk to notice subtle changes like these. When your belongings do inevitably get stolen, your real valuables will be safe on shore. Better yet, shop at Target and tell everyone you're normcore.

Boat raves are 24-hour dance fests and if you go to the washoom at any point, you will miss priceless Instagrammable moments. Don't shit. All that cafeteria food is gonna block you up like an ornery walrus anyway, so just squeeze tight while you twerk and hold on until dry land.

In the bum, obviously. What happens on international waters, stays on international waters, right? (Except for Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram). Other than that, cabins are an obvious choice, but with many attendees sharing two, three, or four bedroom suites, opportunity may not always be on your side. In a pinch, the poop deck, boiler room, or Skrillex's hair will keep your privates private and partner satisfied.

While aboard, make liberal use of this glossary of nautical terms, quote that Lonely Island song about being on a seafaring vessel, and make sure to follow the word "boats" with "& hoes" in all photos posted on Instagram. Nautical puns are an absolute necessity. Failure at any point in time to acknowledge the fact that you are in fact on a boat will result in social suicide.

If there was no land, would there be Monsanto? No. Would obesity be such an issue if we only ate trout and downed seagulls? No. Would Becky have broken up with you in the parking lot behind Chili's if there were no parking lots? Hell no, and she is totally going to come crawling back once you drop that mixtape. Dry land has brought us nothing but misery since the beginning of civilization -- why go back? Kandi-clad boat ravers everywhere, take our advice and stay at sea. It's better there, we promise.

Ziad Ramley is on Twitter: @ZiadRamley