Choke It Down

If the most putrescent aspects of New York City were boiled into soup, it would be a viscous chowder of sunbaked garbage, hairy cysts, street-meat gristle, and subway odor. And chances are, the best place to get a steaming bowl of this shit would be at one of the many Asian eateries in Flushing, Queens, the city’s second largest and oft-overlooked Chinatown. Taiwan-born Alex Zhang Hungtai is the man behind Dirty Beaches, whose songs sound like they’re being transmitted into the future by a band of Sun Records-obsessed ghosts who were killed in a car crash on the way to their senior prom in 1952. Last month Alex visited New York, and we thought we had a bright idea: Invite him to a “nice lunch” at one of Flushing’s gastronomical nightmares and watch him get sick. Little did we know that Alex, a lifelong nomad, lived in the neighborhood in his early teens and finds things like goat’s-eye soup utterly scrumptious. So we ended up wandering around all day in shame, knowing that he was going to rub the backfired plan in our faces (which, by the way, involved eating an actual face). Here’s what Alex had to say about each of our meals after he finished laughing at our perpetual dry heaves. TAIWANESE-STYLE STINKY TOFU
There’s that tofu stink. I haven’t smelled that in a while. It’s the curd equivalent of a sweaty triathlon, for tough guys only. They make it by letting tofu rot until it ferments. It tastes like it smells: cheese thrown into a public toilet that hasn’t been cleaned in ten years. INTESTINES IN DUCK BLOOD
I think these are making me horny. They’re exactly how I remember them, but this place is stingy with the duck blood—it’s kind of thin. My mom’s coagulated into thick cubes that went squish when you bit into them. But this is still delicious, like marinated tripe. I can tell it’s well cleaned because it doesn’t taste like there are chunks of shit inside. SLICED PIG STOMACH IN SOUR CABBAGE SOUP
The Taiwanese eat almost every part of the pig, so this is like a hamburger over there. They slow-cook the stomach until the fat completely melts off. It’s weird to think about digesting something’s gut, but it’s also delicious. Pork-stomach success! LIVE OCTOPUS ON A BED OF LETTUCE
This is one of the most unique eating experiences I’ve ever had. The octopus comes out about two minutes after ordering—they just pull it from the tank, hack it up, and throw it in front of you. It writhes on the plate as you eat it, and you can feel it slimily wiggling around your mouth while its suckers stick to your tongue and grab the insides of your cheeks. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone. Food shouldn’t attack the person who’s eating it. CHILLED PIG FACE IN GARLIC AND SMASHED CUCUMBERS
This is pretty refreshing after the octopus. It’s really savory, a great way to end the day. It’s hard to tell which part of the face you’re eating because it’s all hacked up, but I do know it’s a mixture of forehead, chin, cheek, neck, and ears. I was hoping it’d be served as a flat-face sheet, but I guess that’s Silence of the Lambs territory. Check out live sets from Dirty Beaches and a whole mess of other bands at Noisey.com.